Going Back To Therapy

I lost my health insurance last year. Prior, to that I had been in therapy for several years. I am having a lot of mixed emotions about going back to therapy. I know, it will be worth it in the end. I have seen the benefits of actively going to therapy. Therapy had made such a huge difference in my life in the past. With that being said, I feel overwhelmed with the idea of going back. I am afraid of "retraumatizing" myself. I lost my insurance right after my dads passing. My dad passed in a very traumatic way. Losing a parent and loved one can be beyond difficult. I have lost people in the past. Most of them of them are still alive, just not a part of my life. Some of them passed away. I had one that hit me hard. My dad's passing has hit me so much harder. Not only was he my dad, but he passed in one of the most violent ways. He truly deserved so much better. Anytime, I think about him. My heart breaks into a million pieces all over again. I feel like since his passing a lot of past trauma has resurfaced. Trauma that I thought I had worked through. Feels like I am starting therapy from scratch. Almost, feels like all those years of therapy were in vain. I know that isn't the case, but it truly feels that way. After his passing, my flash backs and abandonment issues came back full force. My mood stabilizers became a lot less effective. Not being able to have that extra support, throughout the grieving process has felt so isolating. I am beyond grateful I was able to get my insurance back. I know therapy, is what I need most in order to help me get things back in order. In order to help me feel human again. Not only will going back to therapy be good for myself, but for those around me. Especially, for those that love me. I have my first session tomorrow. I have a lot to work through, a lot to talk about. I don't even know where to start. I remember, my first time going to therapy all those years ago. I remember, how incredibly difficult it was. Initially it felt like I was getting worse. Took several sessions for me to start seeing progress and for me start feeling somewhat okay. I am hoping going back to therapy, isn't as difficult as it was the first time around. I don't know, if I could handle it getting worse before it gets better. Just feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I am sure I will be okay.