Relationship and mental illness

Im 17, have been in an online relationship for 3 years and i feel like it will fall apart on long term. Now, i dont care if you think that an online relationship is idiotic and immature, but its the closest thing ive ever got to feeling actual love and comfort. Some people know about this, some dont, but i have huge mental health issues and by most active symptoms its pushing BPD, specifically the avoidant and isolated kind. Ive shown great contrast at times in my behavior, especially to those close to me, including my partner. They know about everything i have, even the things that are too much to share online for my own safety. Heres the thing: i will never change, i cannot change, and im too poor for treatment. So even if the relationship does manage to survive, they will have to live with a mentally ill guy. I also have paraphilic issues, deep ones from trauma. Im trying as much as i can to simply recover with the little information i have online about these things. I just feel like if i stay with my partner, it will only get worse for them. I dont want to live either, and really the only reason why i kept going was them. Why did i even fight for this? Just for them to have to put up with me in the future?

At this point i better either kill myself, fake my death or just delete all my social media altogether and seem as disappeared