weird feeling thats eating me up
hyperfixations are already normal to me. you know that feeling when you are hooked to something for how many days and it's the only thing that occupies your mind that you find it hard to do other things like sleeping or washing the dishes but it gives you the will to live and it makes you.. happy. or excited. or in love. i've recently watched a tragic movie that involves a couple during the war. just the thought of how their love story began got me hooked. my heart was literally beating only for them and i get butterflies in my stomach everytime i think about them. it got to the point where i couldn't do my chores and focus on my work. i had to take a break because everytime i don't think about them and i am consciously aware that i am doing something that is not related to them or the movie, i get so drowned in sorrow and i feel empty and there is something dragging me to pour all my attention on them. i was contented, just listening to a song i associate them with and daydreaming about them all throughout. but their love story didn't end nicely. and that's when things took a turn. well lover 1 fell in love with lover 2 the first time he laid his eyes on them. but for lover 2 it was a tough situation to build love upon since they met during a war and they were enemies. nevertheless lover 1 genuinely was just in love with lover 2 and he proved it so many times.. he would even betray his own country just to follow his heart. i won't spoil too much but eventually he killed himself and lover 2 later on was brutally tortured to death. and i was so. fucking hurt. i started to feel pain physically. aside from having breakdowns every night, my stomach literally churns and my chest heats up everytime i think about it. i couldn't take it anymore because it's already too overwhelming. i don't even know if this is still a hyperfixation because it's been going on for days and i couldn't get them off my mind because i'm obsessed with them even when their story already caused me so much pain. it's almost like a drug. and you know what's worse? i can't accept the fact that the actors for lover 1 and lover 2 are having a different life outside the movie. i know that it's all fiction. in fact i'm fully aware that these actors are just playing a character. but my hyperfixated mind is not allowing me to accept it. and i hate it. and now it's gotten so much worse that all i can say is that i'm hurt. i'm in pain. a pain that is so heavy i can barely finish this text. a pain that is so strong my keyboard is drowning in my tears. it's been 3 hours now, i often pause in between typing because i couldn't get them off my mind. it just hurts so much. i just want all of this to end.
