So tired of this (kinda long but had a lot to say)
I heard
I'm listening.
I dont feel very safe going outside.
I want to.
But what?
What?
What?
I'm trying to get my head screwed on straight.
(Big sigh)
I want to but I don't - I want to -
Outside in the dark with two or three of you -
And you scare the hell out of me the way you talk -
Fk! (tired sigh)
What?
For what?
Thats what I figured, thats why I dont want to go outside.
What?
I know your not kidding.
No?
What?
(Takes a deep breath and releases it)
Fk!
No the flahlight comes with me.
What? What?
(Opens the patio door and is now leaning out of it and talking)
What?
I am!
Well I'm sorry.
I really dont want want to play this game.
I know its not a game.
This is not helping me get my head screwed on straight.
I will.
I am!
Well - fk!
I can't deal with that.
(Slams the door shut)
I dont know what happened everything is on hold.
- because of my situation -
Is what my husband is saying right now, but not saying it to me.
He says to me and our 12 year old daughter..
Did you hear that? You had to have heard that. Maybe if you guys weren't so into your phones you'd notice.
(My turn to sigh)
When we were driving in town he was like, "Watch this guy. He's going to pull right up beside us."
I said he's going to pull up beside us because there is more than one lane of traffic and the light is red. He's in the turning lane. See, he turned.
When will the meds start to work? About three years ago these symptoms started. They say its PTSD from past trauma that has symptoms of audio hallucinations. He hears people, the same people always wanting to hurt him or kill him. I got him a psychiatrist. They put him on Abilify (sp?). Over the next few days the voices were there less and less until they were gone. Then my husband started to gain a little weight, was always tired, lacked motivation, and zoned out most the day. So they decided to take him off his meds and if the symptoms come back they will prescribe something else. Symptoms came back. They prescribe him Serequel 50 mg (sp?). They dont work. Doctor is out of office over the holidays. On call psychiatric nurse moves it from 50 mgs to 400 mgs. Still not working. Go to ER and they get him enough of the Abilify to make it until his doctor returns. He took his second dose about an hour ago. I expected faster results like when he first started his meds. He wants it to go away. He's hiding behind the couch now. Now he's up. He tells the voices there is nowhere in this house to hide. Our twelve year old is scared. I assure her everyone is safe. There is no actual threat. I worry about the effect this will have on her now and in the future.
Im at a loss of what to do and so very tired. Im tired of having to be in charge and acting like i have everything in control. I have no choice but to have everything in control. Someone has to be strong. Someone has to be able to say they know it will all be alright. I dont even let the thought of getting upset about everything linger longer than a brief moment in my mind. Maybe I can go into to the bathroom for a few minutes, turn on the faucet and let myself have a quick quiet cry.
Maybe if he takes one of my Trazadone he will calm down enough to finally fall asleep. Then we can all rest. Now he says he's tired - i'm tired. He wants to go to bed. Sounds promising, but it will most likely still be a long night. Good night and thanks for listening.
I'm listening.
I dont feel very safe going outside.
I want to.
But what?
What?
What?
I'm trying to get my head screwed on straight.
(Big sigh)
I want to but I don't - I want to -
Outside in the dark with two or three of you -
And you scare the hell out of me the way you talk -
Fk! (tired sigh)
What?
For what?
Thats what I figured, thats why I dont want to go outside.
What?
I know your not kidding.
No?
What?
(Takes a deep breath and releases it)
Fk!
No the flahlight comes with me.
What? What?
(Opens the patio door and is now leaning out of it and talking)
What?
I am!
Well I'm sorry.
I really dont want want to play this game.
I know its not a game.
This is not helping me get my head screwed on straight.
I will.
I am!
Well - fk!
I can't deal with that.
(Slams the door shut)
I dont know what happened everything is on hold.
- because of my situation -
Is what my husband is saying right now, but not saying it to me.
He says to me and our 12 year old daughter..
Did you hear that? You had to have heard that. Maybe if you guys weren't so into your phones you'd notice.
(My turn to sigh)
When we were driving in town he was like, "Watch this guy. He's going to pull right up beside us."
I said he's going to pull up beside us because there is more than one lane of traffic and the light is red. He's in the turning lane. See, he turned.
When will the meds start to work? About three years ago these symptoms started. They say its PTSD from past trauma that has symptoms of audio hallucinations. He hears people, the same people always wanting to hurt him or kill him. I got him a psychiatrist. They put him on Abilify (sp?). Over the next few days the voices were there less and less until they were gone. Then my husband started to gain a little weight, was always tired, lacked motivation, and zoned out most the day. So they decided to take him off his meds and if the symptoms come back they will prescribe something else. Symptoms came back. They prescribe him Serequel 50 mg (sp?). They dont work. Doctor is out of office over the holidays. On call psychiatric nurse moves it from 50 mgs to 400 mgs. Still not working. Go to ER and they get him enough of the Abilify to make it until his doctor returns. He took his second dose about an hour ago. I expected faster results like when he first started his meds. He wants it to go away. He's hiding behind the couch now. Now he's up. He tells the voices there is nowhere in this house to hide. Our twelve year old is scared. I assure her everyone is safe. There is no actual threat. I worry about the effect this will have on her now and in the future.
Im at a loss of what to do and so very tired. Im tired of having to be in charge and acting like i have everything in control. I have no choice but to have everything in control. Someone has to be strong. Someone has to be able to say they know it will all be alright. I dont even let the thought of getting upset about everything linger longer than a brief moment in my mind. Maybe I can go into to the bathroom for a few minutes, turn on the faucet and let myself have a quick quiet cry.
Maybe if he takes one of my Trazadone he will calm down enough to finally fall asleep. Then we can all rest. Now he says he's tired - i'm tired. He wants to go to bed. Sounds promising, but it will most likely still be a long night. Good night and thanks for listening.
