What causes this?
Lately it's like I absolutely need distraction in order not to over analyze and spiral. I need to be eating, working, playing video games, showering, or something, or else I'm just thinking about awful things.
It's so extreme that I'll realize I'm hungry, find great relief that I can just spend awhile not in my own head and eating instead, and then as soon as the food is gone, my head is flooded with awful thoughts again.
I say that relatively because I'm pretty much always thinking awful thoughts but distraction does provide some relief and the difference in distraction or dread is just an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting. I feel like I'm desperately hanging onto my own sanity and trying to run away from a lack of stimulation but often finding myself just sitting hopelessly.
I wonder if it's early signs of some sort of illness from all the drinking I did, or trauma from something I frankly let myself get into almost a year ago, or a combination of the two.
I've always been this way—needing stimulation and distraction—but lately it's like a switch being flipped on and off in moments and it's jarring each and every time.
Imagine eating a meal and watching YouTube videos and successfully being "happy" (again, relatively) and stupid for just a moment, then suddenly just free falling in an instant into horrible thoughts and memories about pain and suffering.
It's too much, I'm tired, doctors here don't help, I want it to stop already.
It's so extreme that I'll realize I'm hungry, find great relief that I can just spend awhile not in my own head and eating instead, and then as soon as the food is gone, my head is flooded with awful thoughts again.
I say that relatively because I'm pretty much always thinking awful thoughts but distraction does provide some relief and the difference in distraction or dread is just an emotional rollercoaster and exhausting. I feel like I'm desperately hanging onto my own sanity and trying to run away from a lack of stimulation but often finding myself just sitting hopelessly.
I wonder if it's early signs of some sort of illness from all the drinking I did, or trauma from something I frankly let myself get into almost a year ago, or a combination of the two.
I've always been this way—needing stimulation and distraction—but lately it's like a switch being flipped on and off in moments and it's jarring each and every time.
Imagine eating a meal and watching YouTube videos and successfully being "happy" (again, relatively) and stupid for just a moment, then suddenly just free falling in an instant into horrible thoughts and memories about pain and suffering.
It's too much, I'm tired, doctors here don't help, I want it to stop already.
