Why I really dislike myself
I've been meaning to write a post like this explaining why I think I am not a very good person, but every time I try I feel like the reasons why are kind of incoherent and stupid. So I'm just going to try to vomit it out.
I go to work in the office. I open up my accounting reports and do that for a few minutes. Then I get bored (because it's very boring) and I flip to another window and do whatever on the Internet. And I flip between tabs every 2 minutes or something. I get bored even of that so I go to the most disgusting, hate filled subreddits I can find and just submerge myself in the arguments people have there. I get angry at the things people say. I write up angry comments. I bite my arms. I bicker with people until I get sick of it. I turn in the accounting report. It has 3 errors in it that my checker finds. She never complains but she must think I'm very stupid.
I go to my friend's office when work lets out to pick her up. Most of the time she doesn't fucking tell me what door to pick her up at and I have to ask and I get irrationally angry about it. She comes in the car and I forget about that. She talks all about her day or whatever she happens to think about for 20 minutes or so. It annoys the shit out of me halfway through but I tell her it doesn't. I eat dinner in the living/dining room with a show on while she takes a shower. I go to my room and ignore her for the rest of the night because my social battery is completely drained and I can't handle listening to her talk anymore.
I basically let her do all the household chores, which in fairness, she sort of likes. My brother calls and half the time I don't pick up because I don't have the energy. I need to apply to jobs so I can move away from this shit heap city but I don't. I just let time go by. I have long, detailed daydreams about being loved or being a hero or whatever, and I hate that the things keeping me from all that are aspects of myself, not my environment. I wish I had a villain origin story but instead I have always been like this.
I go to work in the office. I open up my accounting reports and do that for a few minutes. Then I get bored (because it's very boring) and I flip to another window and do whatever on the Internet. And I flip between tabs every 2 minutes or something. I get bored even of that so I go to the most disgusting, hate filled subreddits I can find and just submerge myself in the arguments people have there. I get angry at the things people say. I write up angry comments. I bite my arms. I bicker with people until I get sick of it. I turn in the accounting report. It has 3 errors in it that my checker finds. She never complains but she must think I'm very stupid.
I go to my friend's office when work lets out to pick her up. Most of the time she doesn't fucking tell me what door to pick her up at and I have to ask and I get irrationally angry about it. She comes in the car and I forget about that. She talks all about her day or whatever she happens to think about for 20 minutes or so. It annoys the shit out of me halfway through but I tell her it doesn't. I eat dinner in the living/dining room with a show on while she takes a shower. I go to my room and ignore her for the rest of the night because my social battery is completely drained and I can't handle listening to her talk anymore.
I basically let her do all the household chores, which in fairness, she sort of likes. My brother calls and half the time I don't pick up because I don't have the energy. I need to apply to jobs so I can move away from this shit heap city but I don't. I just let time go by. I have long, detailed daydreams about being loved or being a hero or whatever, and I hate that the things keeping me from all that are aspects of myself, not my environment. I wish I had a villain origin story but instead I have always been like this.
