Family guilt
I've just watched this reel in which someone said that treating herself when she feels bad is a trauma response. Her abuser (maybe mother) used to take her shopping and buy her things when they (the absuser) did something bad, and now she does the same to herself
I never treat myself and the mere thought of it makes me feel so guilty and gives me a huge amount of stress, I literally stop being able to do anything good. I think if others (family) don't get more first, I can't get any. I want to go on vaccation and I'm sooo anxious about it. I'll hear "you're being irresponsible wasting money" (even if they don't say it, the voice in my head is saying it. They need money to buy a new house -I don't have that kind of money and it's a toxic family with selfish siblings. I've been with them for +2months now and every single day I get hints about how I need to buy a tv since my dad can't afford to do so, buy an airconditionner, and take them on holidays. Relatives have even shamed me for not taking my family on holiday last year. We've never been on holiday. We've never had the money. This summer I said "ok, let's go somewhere. You pick a place and let's go. I'll pay. I don't care how much (1000-2000 USD)." They said no. This is the 4th time I tell them we can go but I just don't want to take on planning too. I've never travelled anywhere, you're my father, you know better, just pick a place, tell me how much and let's go, but they won't do it. They say they don't want to and that I should just keep my money, but I keep being nagged about the TV and a whole bunch of other things
This is driving me crazy because it's not letting me sleep comfortably at night. I want to meet up with an old friend in another country but I'm so stressed out to even bring it up, though it's my own money. I keep thinking of them saying "after all we've done for you? you only think of yourself. You couldn't even take your sister along..." I don't want to take her along for that trip
I never treat myself and the mere thought of it makes me feel so guilty and gives me a huge amount of stress, I literally stop being able to do anything good. I think if others (family) don't get more first, I can't get any. I want to go on vaccation and I'm sooo anxious about it. I'll hear "you're being irresponsible wasting money" (even if they don't say it, the voice in my head is saying it. They need money to buy a new house -I don't have that kind of money and it's a toxic family with selfish siblings. I've been with them for +2months now and every single day I get hints about how I need to buy a tv since my dad can't afford to do so, buy an airconditionner, and take them on holidays. Relatives have even shamed me for not taking my family on holiday last year. We've never been on holiday. We've never had the money. This summer I said "ok, let's go somewhere. You pick a place and let's go. I'll pay. I don't care how much (1000-2000 USD)." They said no. This is the 4th time I tell them we can go but I just don't want to take on planning too. I've never travelled anywhere, you're my father, you know better, just pick a place, tell me how much and let's go, but they won't do it. They say they don't want to and that I should just keep my money, but I keep being nagged about the TV and a whole bunch of other things
This is driving me crazy because it's not letting me sleep comfortably at night. I want to meet up with an old friend in another country but I'm so stressed out to even bring it up, though it's my own money. I keep thinking of them saying "after all we've done for you? you only think of yourself. You couldn't even take your sister along..." I don't want to take her along for that trip
