I Have Erectile Dysfunction

PandoraAdore, hi :) I always believed this was what the site was for - writing things for an international audience, someone is bound to see something you write as potentially useful or helpful - even if it doesn't happen for a long while... Now, surprisingly, it happened to me! :D

So, thank you so so much for posting, and divulging such information about yourself. It's qiute a big leap for some people to write about such things, but I guess you really relate to the things I wrote here so long ago so here goes, I will try to do justice to your reply.

When I said my fantasy was dying, that was not strictly 100% true... It was, but it still lingers. If I don't get s**ual activity with my partner (still the same one thankfully!) I need release, and that's where it comes from. But, she has begun to realise I need s**ual release and I had so far got it simply as quickly as possible, as an annoyance and something that takes quite a lot of time out of my days. Se* with previous partners was an extension of that, with no desire to be loving or share the time really for any longer than needed. Of course I would pleasure her afterwards, so we both got to climax... But, s*x was really functional rather than for pleasure (though I can't deny I enjoyed it!).

So, then she came along and loved me. And, I loved her. But this was reeeeeeally hard for me to translate to the bedroom. Being larger, I was genuinely scared to cuddle her in case I hit a sensitive spot, or made her feel uncomfortable. This went on for some time until she approached me. During these times, she was uncomfortable with s*x so we didn't have much - and I j*rk*d off a lot. This also didn't help me feel touchy feely - I felt dirty and unfaithful, but it was necessary or I'd start doing inappropriate things... So it's taken a while, she had to overcome her uneasiness with her weight - only way to do that is accept that you're overweight: you cannot move on from something or change it until you accept that it exists in the first place. That way she wouldn't flinch and became more open to me touching her. I also re-discovered how nice it was to hold her hand, and run my finger up and down hers. It didn't take much to then extend that into feeling her, running my hand up and down her whole body - discovering that it's not so bad after all. There is nothing really to be scared of. I think that's what saved it for us, the word exploration. Exploring your partner's body is something he (and/or you?) may be scared to begin, but once you/he do/es you will get closer and closer and more things will start to happen - but everything must be open, and if something feels wrong it must be made very very clear (but also very clear that it's a good thing to find out what's wrong, because without doing that you totally miss out on what's right!).

So, exploration and thereby developing love and intimacy.

Otherwise, note what I said about j*rk*ng off. If a guy's on his own for a while, it's necessary (generally). Or, at least it is for me. It may feel a little contrived at times, but try to notice when he's feeling slightly turned on, and catch that moment and transform it into a nice experience. One without tension or nerves - writhe and really show him it feels good to feel his touch - literally wherever he may want to give it. And, if something out of the ordinary appears out of it, don't be scared. As you will have noticed, there are many things that can turn someone on - so if he tells you something like that you must react calmly, and openly - maybe it's not your idea of fun (could easily sound disgusting) but if you love him, maybe in the end someday you will come round to the idea - again, seize that moment and take him on.

From that, you may learn some triggers for him, but really I think it's going to be about wanting him - specifically him - inside you, and conveying that with your every move. Alongside coolness, and allowing him to try any angle or anything that he wants to - quite possibly making mistakes along the way but your aim should be to kill his nerves - calm, it's ok, let me try that next time....

Also re b*** jobs, I lose my erection sometimes if she's giving one but not 100% feeling the passion. At that point, change to something else. Perhaps rubbing your body up him and coming up to a kiss and showing you want him. If, of course, you do still want him at that point, if not it's ok to stop.

That's another point - it's ok to stop if things lose their passion. Both of you must know that because if you lay there for a little while naked together, trying to do something else like read to each other, or watch a movie... You may well recover from whatever triggered the turn-off :D

Erm, final note - I'm still learning my way through touching my girlfriend lovingly. I know how to make her moan but doing it out of love rather than function is hard for me still. Letting go is the problem. It can be a taboo term, but if you use concrete examples like letting go when the passion goes (stopping is ok), let your hand wander to any part of me you please, ... Then it breaks it down into bitesize (excuse the term) chunks.

I'd like to hear how you get on, too. Stay in touch?
-D9

PS sorry for the wall of text!! Also sorry if any of it seems condescending, I know nothing about you other than what's in your comment (my bad?).

PPS question yourself? Hate yourself? That just goes to prove that people really are stupid :) All people, not just you or your partner, me included! Please, please, just accept yourself and that your life up to this point has dictated where you are now, and move forward from there. Hating it, or feeling down about it will only serve to increase your sadness - if there is one thing I am certain we were not born to do, it's increase the sadness in the world. If you look deep down and find there are things you want to improve, I once wrote some things about losing weight... If you're interested you will find.

Much love.

ZOMG your lingerie story! That rings serious bells with me. My ex once went to a club with me, and was wearing a skirt. She was wasted so much i disapproved, and I wasn't having a good time, she disappeared for most of the night and left me alone, then came and found me to tell me she was wearing no knickers. I was disgusted at that to be honest, and was told after I should've been aroused etc. I wasn't. It was a horrible experience. That is another point for you - jumping into something too far outside of your normal experiences will be a shock for him, he probably loved it but had no idea what to do! POOR YOU, and also poor him - he missed out bigtime. Take him bra shopping - he gets to choose something he likes the look of you in, you don't have to have him in the changing rooms - I sit outside, and M&S is one of the few places my gf can get a bra from too btw!! But then he's involved and it feels good... Oh boy does it feel good :)

Good luck m'dear, and thanks again for posting. I think I'd better shut up now for risk of ... not sure what.