How can I learn to accept compliments?
We used to have an exercise in school like this in the value education period and all the girls kept denying compliments. So this really awesome teacher said it was rude and ill-mannered to deny compliments. Even if you don't see it, denying a compliment means you don't respect the other person's opinion. Whatever he/she saw was present in you at the moment from her view of you. Maybe to her you were kind or smart even if you're not to yourself. So whatever compliment you get, allow yourself to be flattered/cherished. Don't let someone take advantage of you but in a bad place you can always think atleast that one odd kid in my class thought I was smart.
Never dismiss a compliment from a friend or a gf. Easiest thing "thank you" and a sincere smile. You give compliments to them? to your gf? And if your gf gives you a compliment, always a "thanks beautiful" and sometimes it's even an opening for flirting with your gf, and that is way to much fun to miss by dismissing her compliment,
This has always made me so sad. I always wonder if people had a decent sense of self-confidence, or self-esteem, or self-image, or whatever, if they'd be able to take a compliment graciously, instead, but I've found that very often they don't. I hate to hear someone receive a compliment only to argue that the other person is wrong. Some people take it so far that, if they really thought about it, they'd realize that it's almost insulting the person who gave them the compliment, but I know they don't mean it that way. It's just sad that no one ever taught them that they're worthy of praise or compliments, & that they were never taught how to accept a compliment graciously.
Badly. Sometimes I am inadvertently quite rude. One time someone complimented my hair when I put it back (I hate it back, but my hair was awful down at the time) and I felt extremely skeptical/angry for about 1 second and then I realized I was making a mean face and apologized profusely. I used to hate receiving compliments about my appearance. Still do to some degree but now that I actually like my hair I'm more okay with it, but only if it's from someone I haven't seen in a while (I cut my hair off, so I don't find it bothersome when someone sees it for the first time and comments about it-- that's nice). Normally I try and just pokerface/stare blankly and pretend I'm not hearing it. Compliments really do mean a lot, at least sometimes, but they make me feel uncomfortable. I really appreciate compliments when I am not sure (for example, I wasn't sure I was doing a good job at work but apparently they really like what I'm doing), but when I have already confirmed I've done well on something and someone insists on making the same compliment again and again or going overboard, I just try and pokerface it, it's really awkward. I have this one history teacher who is always going overboard, and whenever he starts, I go into pokerface, because he just needs to stop making exaggerated comments. If the compliment is general enough (oh you're so gifted/talented/etc, from a teacher or whatever), I usually feel like they're just trying to manipulate me to make me feel better about myself, which just creeps me out. I feel like it's a weird psychology move.
I make a special effort not to downplay or reject people's compliments. I understand the temptation, but it unnerves me when I compliment someone and they find some way to diminish it. It makes me feel a bit like they don't give my opinions any credit—or, almost as bad, like they're bragging (i.e., "You think this crappy old shirt is nice? You should see some of my good shirts!").
I used to get all flustered and not really know how to reply but I have learned over the years to just own it. If she says: "You've been working out!" I flash her a smile and say "Thanks! I'm pretty happy with the results myself!" etc. Basically at some point I had the epiphany that I actually have awesome qualities and that it is perfectly ok to aknowledge them when someone else points them out. The downplaying and flustered instinct still lurks in the back of my head though so I have to make an active choice to own the compliment every time.
This in turn has made it more natural for me to give compliments. Instead of people fgetting confused and suspicious they take them as genuine and are happy. Confidence and self-image makes such a difference!
When I compliment someone it's because I care about their feelings and want them to feel that their efforts are noticed/appreciated, i.e. make them feel good. If you're so self-confident that you don't need that sort of validation - that's cool, but know that usually people are just trying to connect with you.
Gives a perk without making it personal enough for them to reject it. So they have to accept it and secretly they will be pleased. You also have to bear in mind that a lot of women will reject compliments because that's what society says we should do, not necessarily because it doesn't seem real or is insulting.
I would certainly not like no praise at all. I like to know when I'm doing the right things and I'd like to know when I'm doing the wrong things. I think that the key is to remember that someone is going out of their way to say nice things about you. Even if you don't appreciate that, you should thank them for the effort of doing so. Depending on the compliment, I may say, "Thank you very much, I appreciate you saying so." It's a genuine thank you, even if I didn't think much of it. Don't be snide, don't be disingenuous, don't be condescending.
In your case about the test, if someone said the same thing to me, I'd say, "Wow, thank you." Then I'd try to be humble and say, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day, huh." You've already shown that you're smart and capable (and people have noticed), there is no advantage to rubbing it in or coming off like a showboat. It might sound very anti-INTJ, but that's how you get the maximum benefit out of that situation. I have a bit of experience with anxiety, so I'll give my own perspective on this. I sometimes feel like I'm being invalidated when people act a certain way about aspects of myself that I'm critical of. Example: I'm conscious of my weight, and I am undeniably NOT at a healthy weight. When people say things like "Oh, you're fine, you don't need to lose weight," I honestly feel a bit insulted that they're so dismissive of my concerns. It's meant as a compliment, but comes off as "I know best, and you don't. Your concerns are invalid." People also did this in college when I was stressed over classes ("Oh but why would you worry, you're just so smart that you will get an A+!") and it just rubs me the wrong way.
I try to thank them for the compliment and extend credit to others if I was helped (like on a project for work - the nature of my job requires me to collaborate with others). A lot of times, though, I feel like people have really low standards and I could've done better. I've gotten pretty good at not expressing that sentiment all the time, at least.
I appreciate compliments a lot. I can understand that someone else doesn't need to say kind things about me, yet they do. It depends what they compliment me on, though. If someone compliments me on something I know I'm great at, it's nice, but I don't really care. However, if someone compliments me on something I just undertook or didn't think I was very good at, then that is more meaningful to me.
Yes yes yes! Definitely! It's like as soon as someone compliments me I lose all social skills/abilities/intelligence or w/e it's called and just act as competent as a 5-year-old. I either blush so much I think I might overheat, and subsequently stay silent or try to change the subject while stuttering or I act ironically arrogant about it because I honestly don't know how else to react, or, sometimes I just disagree awkwardly. I find the easiest thing to do is just quietly say 'thanks' and leave it at that. I don't know what I'd do if I ever got a romantic/appearance-related complement though, that'd be one awkward experience for the complementer (and me tbh).
It's annoying when people compliment me as a way to get to know each other - all that tells me is that you're happy making completely insincere statements to make people like you. Sure, some compliments are nice - especially when they're about something I'm unsure about or from someone whose opinion really matters to me. But most are just on the same level as small talk, with the exception that I'm meant to be thankful for them.
I have been encountering this more and more. I'm a writer, or at least, I'm studying to be a writer--I've made some money off of contests, but I'm not published in anything that isn't regional. In my fiction classes, I'm often at the top of the class, and part of me craves recognition for that. But when I do get it, I feel very uncomfortable, especially if the compliments are in front of other people. The bad writing of other students helps make me feel confident, but I still have impostor syndrome every time I get near the top.
I do struggle with this a lot, too. I once read that a compliment is like a gift the person wants to give to you, and it's important to be sensitive to that desire, to acknowledge it, and receive it graciously (provided it's an appropriate compliment). It's still hard sometimes because of some self-esteem issues I'm working through, but remembering that a compliment is sometimes just as much or more about the giver helps me to respond in a way that takes their feelings into consideration rather than brushing them off or using humor to deflect it, which could be interpreted as rejection.
Enfjs seem prone to a fluctuating self esteem. I was the worst at accepting compliments as I did not agree/see their point of view. I am my worst critic and accepting any compliment made me feel... like it was wrong. At my lowest, I felt unworthy of the praise or attention. I did learn eventually to simply say thank you and believing/accepting the compliment just came with time.
I find that I assess the intent of the person. Are they really serious about what they're complimenting me on, or are they just trying to flatter me because they want something or am trying to manipulate me? Usually it is pretty obvious. If they are serious, I'll be gracious with my thanks. If not, I'll give a cursory reply and move on.
It depends on what they are complimenting me on. If it’s on my looks I get pretty giddy and happy and thank them. If it’s on my talents I get super shy about it but say thank you but like secretly cringe even though I feel flattered. And If it’s on my personality it’s kind of a mix reaction of my first two examples.
I use to have a hard time taking compliments due to my lack of self esteem, then later found myself craving it and denying it so I could fish for more compliments. Now, I'm able to accept them with sincerity and leave it at that. It has a lot to do with the amount of social anxiety i had (and still currently have to a degree), and it takes a bit of time and energy to learn that it's ok to hear these good things about myself.
If it's a compliment about something I've really done, like... with relation to my work, or to an expression of my personal style (like clothes/makeup/hair styling/etc.), I almost always appreciate them. I do try hard to look nice, or at least... look the way I want to, and if that's recognized, it's affirming to my efforts.
If it's a compliment, however, over something I haven't really done, like about the looks I was born with, they can make me uncomfortable. I'm a redhead, so I constantly get comments about my hair. At best, they're simply repetitive... people seem not to recognize just how often I hear their comments or jokes, and it gets old. Also, if I've gone through a ton of effort to do my makeup, dress nicely, etc., and the only thing people can find to compliment is the color of my hair (which I did not choose), it makes me feel like I failed at everything else. Most people mean well, and so I try to take it in stride, but sometimes I probably take it a very different way than intended. With all my piles and piles of white privilege, I feel like the way people "exoticize" red hair gives me a very small taste into what women of color, or simply of different ethnicities, have to deal with all the time, so it makes me more sensitive when I see it happening to other people.
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's such socially awkward guy, but then he sent an email to me about how he cares about me and wants to hug me. The fuck. We don't work together closely or anything. Personally, I find that a lot of looks-related compliments detract from my image as a competent/useful person. This is going to sound like a vain non-problem, but last summer I was a legal assistant for a venture capital company and the comments on my appearance got incredibly cumbersome. My (dude) boss, thank god, was super nice and always professional to me, but other people managed to make it weird. He introduced me to this super important guy, who didn't even wait to hear my name before blurting out "You're pretty." Like, thanks? I also work here? Even the all-female accounting team would say things like "Wow, [my boss], you have such a beautiful intern!" Again, thanks, but now my poor boss has to awkwardly field the implication that I am largely decorative. Which isn't flattering to him, either! I feel like I'm already working uphill to prove that I'm smart and hard-working because I'm young, so too many references to my appearance just adds to my feeling like I have to be serious/on my game allllll the time.
Honestly, while I don't think I've gotten many compliments at work that aren't welcome, I do think it's weird to get a compliment on anything that isn't work-related if you aren't close. I have a desk right next to a coworker and we chat a lot, and I work closely with a team of people, so almost anything is fair game for them. But, if I was in a different area than I normally am, and someone complimented my appearance, I might find that odd. When my chef fists bumps me at the end of a crazy night and sincerely says you did a great job tonight, and other things like in his 20 or so years in the industry (I'm a cook) he has only ever seen a handful of women who handle themselves on the line like warriors and almost all of those are me and the the 3 other girls who cook on the line with the other guys. Honest compliments about my competency are always encouraged and appreciated. As a not ugly female in a kitchen I have gotten compliments about my appearance, but because most relate to my long very red hair that you can't see much of under my tiny cooks hat people are in general shocked by it. As long as they don't get creepy I don't have to get mean. Thank you for your reply, this is something I do want to improve on. Because like I’ve said, I’m shy/awkward about it (also self-depreciating like the person who left a comment here as well), and I’m a bit worried that some people take it the wrong way based on how I respond. I will put what you said in mind. Thank you!!
I'm terrible at it. My reaction usually just makes me sound stuck up, conceited, or embarrassed, but that's definitely not the case. I used to be bullied as a child and that still affects me today. I don't see the things some people do in me. So I just think they are lying to make me feel better or something. Though at the same time I'm still disappointed if I don't receive compliments. Ugh. I'm super bad at taking compliments only because I don't believe them when I hear them and/or I think I don't deserve them. I usually will awkwardly laugh when people say something remotely nice towards me which ends up making me feel bad when people do give me compliments and me not being able to just accept them. This just comes down to my very very low self-esteem.
Never dismiss a compliment from a friend or a gf. Easiest thing "thank you" and a sincere smile. You give compliments to them? to your gf? And if your gf gives you a compliment, always a "thanks beautiful" and sometimes it's even an opening for flirting with your gf, and that is way to much fun to miss by dismissing her compliment,
This has always made me so sad. I always wonder if people had a decent sense of self-confidence, or self-esteem, or self-image, or whatever, if they'd be able to take a compliment graciously, instead, but I've found that very often they don't. I hate to hear someone receive a compliment only to argue that the other person is wrong. Some people take it so far that, if they really thought about it, they'd realize that it's almost insulting the person who gave them the compliment, but I know they don't mean it that way. It's just sad that no one ever taught them that they're worthy of praise or compliments, & that they were never taught how to accept a compliment graciously.
Badly. Sometimes I am inadvertently quite rude. One time someone complimented my hair when I put it back (I hate it back, but my hair was awful down at the time) and I felt extremely skeptical/angry for about 1 second and then I realized I was making a mean face and apologized profusely. I used to hate receiving compliments about my appearance. Still do to some degree but now that I actually like my hair I'm more okay with it, but only if it's from someone I haven't seen in a while (I cut my hair off, so I don't find it bothersome when someone sees it for the first time and comments about it-- that's nice). Normally I try and just pokerface/stare blankly and pretend I'm not hearing it. Compliments really do mean a lot, at least sometimes, but they make me feel uncomfortable. I really appreciate compliments when I am not sure (for example, I wasn't sure I was doing a good job at work but apparently they really like what I'm doing), but when I have already confirmed I've done well on something and someone insists on making the same compliment again and again or going overboard, I just try and pokerface it, it's really awkward. I have this one history teacher who is always going overboard, and whenever he starts, I go into pokerface, because he just needs to stop making exaggerated comments. If the compliment is general enough (oh you're so gifted/talented/etc, from a teacher or whatever), I usually feel like they're just trying to manipulate me to make me feel better about myself, which just creeps me out. I feel like it's a weird psychology move.
I make a special effort not to downplay or reject people's compliments. I understand the temptation, but it unnerves me when I compliment someone and they find some way to diminish it. It makes me feel a bit like they don't give my opinions any credit—or, almost as bad, like they're bragging (i.e., "You think this crappy old shirt is nice? You should see some of my good shirts!").
I used to get all flustered and not really know how to reply but I have learned over the years to just own it. If she says: "You've been working out!" I flash her a smile and say "Thanks! I'm pretty happy with the results myself!" etc. Basically at some point I had the epiphany that I actually have awesome qualities and that it is perfectly ok to aknowledge them when someone else points them out. The downplaying and flustered instinct still lurks in the back of my head though so I have to make an active choice to own the compliment every time.
This in turn has made it more natural for me to give compliments. Instead of people fgetting confused and suspicious they take them as genuine and are happy. Confidence and self-image makes such a difference!
When I compliment someone it's because I care about their feelings and want them to feel that their efforts are noticed/appreciated, i.e. make them feel good. If you're so self-confident that you don't need that sort of validation - that's cool, but know that usually people are just trying to connect with you.
Gives a perk without making it personal enough for them to reject it. So they have to accept it and secretly they will be pleased. You also have to bear in mind that a lot of women will reject compliments because that's what society says we should do, not necessarily because it doesn't seem real or is insulting.
I would certainly not like no praise at all. I like to know when I'm doing the right things and I'd like to know when I'm doing the wrong things. I think that the key is to remember that someone is going out of their way to say nice things about you. Even if you don't appreciate that, you should thank them for the effort of doing so. Depending on the compliment, I may say, "Thank you very much, I appreciate you saying so." It's a genuine thank you, even if I didn't think much of it. Don't be snide, don't be disingenuous, don't be condescending.
In your case about the test, if someone said the same thing to me, I'd say, "Wow, thank you." Then I'd try to be humble and say, "Even a broken clock is right twice a day, huh." You've already shown that you're smart and capable (and people have noticed), there is no advantage to rubbing it in or coming off like a showboat. It might sound very anti-INTJ, but that's how you get the maximum benefit out of that situation. I have a bit of experience with anxiety, so I'll give my own perspective on this. I sometimes feel like I'm being invalidated when people act a certain way about aspects of myself that I'm critical of. Example: I'm conscious of my weight, and I am undeniably NOT at a healthy weight. When people say things like "Oh, you're fine, you don't need to lose weight," I honestly feel a bit insulted that they're so dismissive of my concerns. It's meant as a compliment, but comes off as "I know best, and you don't. Your concerns are invalid." People also did this in college when I was stressed over classes ("Oh but why would you worry, you're just so smart that you will get an A+!") and it just rubs me the wrong way.
I try to thank them for the compliment and extend credit to others if I was helped (like on a project for work - the nature of my job requires me to collaborate with others). A lot of times, though, I feel like people have really low standards and I could've done better. I've gotten pretty good at not expressing that sentiment all the time, at least.
I appreciate compliments a lot. I can understand that someone else doesn't need to say kind things about me, yet they do. It depends what they compliment me on, though. If someone compliments me on something I know I'm great at, it's nice, but I don't really care. However, if someone compliments me on something I just undertook or didn't think I was very good at, then that is more meaningful to me.
Yes yes yes! Definitely! It's like as soon as someone compliments me I lose all social skills/abilities/intelligence or w/e it's called and just act as competent as a 5-year-old. I either blush so much I think I might overheat, and subsequently stay silent or try to change the subject while stuttering or I act ironically arrogant about it because I honestly don't know how else to react, or, sometimes I just disagree awkwardly. I find the easiest thing to do is just quietly say 'thanks' and leave it at that. I don't know what I'd do if I ever got a romantic/appearance-related complement though, that'd be one awkward experience for the complementer (and me tbh).
It's annoying when people compliment me as a way to get to know each other - all that tells me is that you're happy making completely insincere statements to make people like you. Sure, some compliments are nice - especially when they're about something I'm unsure about or from someone whose opinion really matters to me. But most are just on the same level as small talk, with the exception that I'm meant to be thankful for them.
I have been encountering this more and more. I'm a writer, or at least, I'm studying to be a writer--I've made some money off of contests, but I'm not published in anything that isn't regional. In my fiction classes, I'm often at the top of the class, and part of me craves recognition for that. But when I do get it, I feel very uncomfortable, especially if the compliments are in front of other people. The bad writing of other students helps make me feel confident, but I still have impostor syndrome every time I get near the top.
I do struggle with this a lot, too. I once read that a compliment is like a gift the person wants to give to you, and it's important to be sensitive to that desire, to acknowledge it, and receive it graciously (provided it's an appropriate compliment). It's still hard sometimes because of some self-esteem issues I'm working through, but remembering that a compliment is sometimes just as much or more about the giver helps me to respond in a way that takes their feelings into consideration rather than brushing them off or using humor to deflect it, which could be interpreted as rejection.
Enfjs seem prone to a fluctuating self esteem. I was the worst at accepting compliments as I did not agree/see their point of view. I am my worst critic and accepting any compliment made me feel... like it was wrong. At my lowest, I felt unworthy of the praise or attention. I did learn eventually to simply say thank you and believing/accepting the compliment just came with time.
I find that I assess the intent of the person. Are they really serious about what they're complimenting me on, or are they just trying to flatter me because they want something or am trying to manipulate me? Usually it is pretty obvious. If they are serious, I'll be gracious with my thanks. If not, I'll give a cursory reply and move on.
It depends on what they are complimenting me on. If it’s on my looks I get pretty giddy and happy and thank them. If it’s on my talents I get super shy about it but say thank you but like secretly cringe even though I feel flattered. And If it’s on my personality it’s kind of a mix reaction of my first two examples.
I use to have a hard time taking compliments due to my lack of self esteem, then later found myself craving it and denying it so I could fish for more compliments. Now, I'm able to accept them with sincerity and leave it at that. It has a lot to do with the amount of social anxiety i had (and still currently have to a degree), and it takes a bit of time and energy to learn that it's ok to hear these good things about myself.
If it's a compliment about something I've really done, like... with relation to my work, or to an expression of my personal style (like clothes/makeup/hair styling/etc.), I almost always appreciate them. I do try hard to look nice, or at least... look the way I want to, and if that's recognized, it's affirming to my efforts.
If it's a compliment, however, over something I haven't really done, like about the looks I was born with, they can make me uncomfortable. I'm a redhead, so I constantly get comments about my hair. At best, they're simply repetitive... people seem not to recognize just how often I hear their comments or jokes, and it gets old. Also, if I've gone through a ton of effort to do my makeup, dress nicely, etc., and the only thing people can find to compliment is the color of my hair (which I did not choose), it makes me feel like I failed at everything else. Most people mean well, and so I try to take it in stride, but sometimes I probably take it a very different way than intended. With all my piles and piles of white privilege, I feel like the way people "exoticize" red hair gives me a very small taste into what women of color, or simply of different ethnicities, have to deal with all the time, so it makes me more sensitive when I see it happening to other people.
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he's such socially awkward guy, but then he sent an email to me about how he cares about me and wants to hug me. The fuck. We don't work together closely or anything. Personally, I find that a lot of looks-related compliments detract from my image as a competent/useful person. This is going to sound like a vain non-problem, but last summer I was a legal assistant for a venture capital company and the comments on my appearance got incredibly cumbersome. My (dude) boss, thank god, was super nice and always professional to me, but other people managed to make it weird. He introduced me to this super important guy, who didn't even wait to hear my name before blurting out "You're pretty." Like, thanks? I also work here? Even the all-female accounting team would say things like "Wow, [my boss], you have such a beautiful intern!" Again, thanks, but now my poor boss has to awkwardly field the implication that I am largely decorative. Which isn't flattering to him, either! I feel like I'm already working uphill to prove that I'm smart and hard-working because I'm young, so too many references to my appearance just adds to my feeling like I have to be serious/on my game allllll the time.
Honestly, while I don't think I've gotten many compliments at work that aren't welcome, I do think it's weird to get a compliment on anything that isn't work-related if you aren't close. I have a desk right next to a coworker and we chat a lot, and I work closely with a team of people, so almost anything is fair game for them. But, if I was in a different area than I normally am, and someone complimented my appearance, I might find that odd. When my chef fists bumps me at the end of a crazy night and sincerely says you did a great job tonight, and other things like in his 20 or so years in the industry (I'm a cook) he has only ever seen a handful of women who handle themselves on the line like warriors and almost all of those are me and the the 3 other girls who cook on the line with the other guys. Honest compliments about my competency are always encouraged and appreciated. As a not ugly female in a kitchen I have gotten compliments about my appearance, but because most relate to my long very red hair that you can't see much of under my tiny cooks hat people are in general shocked by it. As long as they don't get creepy I don't have to get mean. Thank you for your reply, this is something I do want to improve on. Because like I’ve said, I’m shy/awkward about it (also self-depreciating like the person who left a comment here as well), and I’m a bit worried that some people take it the wrong way based on how I respond. I will put what you said in mind. Thank you!!
I'm terrible at it. My reaction usually just makes me sound stuck up, conceited, or embarrassed, but that's definitely not the case. I used to be bullied as a child and that still affects me today. I don't see the things some people do in me. So I just think they are lying to make me feel better or something. Though at the same time I'm still disappointed if I don't receive compliments. Ugh. I'm super bad at taking compliments only because I don't believe them when I hear them and/or I think I don't deserve them. I usually will awkwardly laugh when people say something remotely nice towards me which ends up making me feel bad when people do give me compliments and me not being able to just accept them. This just comes down to my very very low self-esteem.
