I lost my soulmate or pretty close to it. Now I am dead inside.

And all my stupid choices have come back to bite me in the butt. I broke up with him as I have explained enough times on here because I didn’t want him to have to wait for me for many more years to create a financially independent and self sufficient life for myself and wait for me to bring the two of us together because he didn’t have enough money saved up because of all his bills, taxes, and having to help financially support his aging parents. I did not want him to have to deal with my mental illnesses that caused me to dissociate from reality and have a mental breakdown two years ago. I thought I no longer deserved his love when I put him through all that worry for two weeks in the psychiatric hospital and until my parents said something to him he thought I was ignoring him. Why also did I have to feel a bit lonely sometimes because our relationship was online and long distance. He tried to pay me so much attention as he could from India. Most of the time I was happier having him in my life in any form. We didn’t fight or argue much and we agreed on a lot of beliefs and values. We hoped for a life together and living together and marriage to stay together but neither of us wanted kids. He kept asking me to finish my online vocational courses and studies so. I could complete the courses and start making money to be one step closer to achieving independence. I got stuck on some course content and final exams in both courses so I kept putting them off. If I finished my vocational courses with certificates of completion and diplomas and I stayed in school to finish my university degrees, my life could have turned out much differently. My stupid choices on giving up on things so easily have gotten me nowhere. And because I didn’t achieve financial freedom and independence, I let too much time pass by doing nothing to change our situation. I also feel so guilty for having a psychotic breakdown two years ago. He didn’t run away. I pushed him away when I broke up with him and he still wanted to be friends but only write each other through email. And similarworlds so we wouldn’t stay as attached to each other as when we were talking in real time. He came back to WhatsApp for a few weeks but I couldn’t move beyond the past. After he courted and got engaged to someone else that was it he ended our friendship for good. He wished me well and told me to please take care of myself and to have a good life. The dating and engagement was only two to three months but that’s enough time to get to know a person to see if you are compatible for marriage especially if you are more courting a potential spouse rather than dating. Had I brought us together, he would have married me after spending time with me in person. That was his intention. Maybe on a tourist visa that lasted for a few months or I could have gotten an e business visa and stayed in India up to 6 months to a year. I don’t think he would have broken up with me if his own accord. There was once a time he believed he didn’t want to be with anyone but me. Seven years. Together. I have no choice. But to move on without him in my life, but I am having a really hard time putting him in the past. There are days I still think about him and what he is doing now. I still dream about him and one of those dreams were that we were both passed on and found each other again in the spirit world. Nothing has been the same since I have broken up with him. I have this inconsolable sadness and sense of loss. I feel empty without him in my life though i have one or two real life friends and three-four online friends. I just wish I could get over him but I have been listening to songs that remind me of him and been crying. He will never know how much leaving me as a friend killed me inside. I have stopped trying to reach him and convince him to stay my friend because he obviously doesn’t. Want to be contacted and ignored almost every email or message I sent him even telling him of losing my grandparents and dog. Even when I was supposedly fatally sick he didn’t even bother to check up on me. I know he loved me once long ago but it seems like he doesn’t care about me anymore even as a good friend. I would have rather stayed his friend than lost him completely.There is nothing I can do. I don’t think I want to date anyone ever again because I can’t take anymore heartache. This whole thing is pathetic. Here I am yearning for someone. Who told me goodbye a year and a half ago without looking back. I can’t believe he got engaged so soon it had to be eight months after we broke up. He knew his woman from late December to late March.. I could have accepted that he got married but I never accepted being tossed out of his life and not his friend. Anymore. I would have been glad to wish him luck on his engagement. The thing I would have never asked to get back together if I knew had a girlfriend and fiancee. I was lonely and depressed and maybe not thinking straight. I could have stayed in his life as his good friend and nothing more. At least I wouldn’t have been so listless as when he basically kicked me to the curb as a friend. Even though. We were in a romantic relationship before, it didn’t mean we had to stop being friends just because he got married. It’s a tragic ending for me, but a happier one for him. I can’t help but feel sometimes he’s better without me in his life. I lost my lover and best friend. We had a special deep connection for seven to eight years. Now I am without a soulmate or someone who came really close. I don’t think there is anyone else out there for me. I told him everything I felt in my goodbye email and wished him a happy life. I know life must go on and heartbreak slowly heals over time until I feel nothing but love. No more pain or hurt. I want to be free from this pain . Sometimes I just wish I could die painlessly and peacefully in my sleep due to natural causes not suicide. You know I’m just like a wolf that lost its mate. Wolves mate they say until one of them dies. I know there are worse things in life and people who have it worse than I do. It’s just for me I don’t fall in love easily but when I fall I fall hard. He could have been my life partner had I made better decisions. He fell in love with me long ago too. I know people will say well how can you fall in love with someone you met online? Well if both parties were being both very honest, open, and vulnerable with each other from the beginning, genuine love and affection. Can develop. Also, Sujeet and I. We were best friends before we ever became lovers for a few months. I lost the love of my life but now he probably considers his wife the love of his life. Why did god put this wonderful man on my radar but make it so difficult for me to get together with him in real life? It’s cruel. I should have tried harder for both of us. I’ll always love him that’s the sad part. What can I say because of his sensitive. Love and kindness it touched me deeply forever. I will never love. Again at least not the same way I loved this man.,and finding a partner after this doesn’t seem worth it. I want a soulmate not a surface level connection. I am probably going to be single for however much time I have left on this. Earth. He said. He never wanted to hurt me. More than. I was already hurting. And that. Getting back together was not good for my future so as much as he wanted to get back together with me he wasn’t going to do that to me. This was a few days after we broke up. Who knew I would lose him so soon? He is putting his wife first obviously and not wanting to make her jealous or suspicious.. I know he ended contact with me out of respect for his wife and I always did say he was really moral. I should have fully understood what I had when I had it and not taken it for granted. It was magical connection with a a few small bumps in the road. My only solace was when he told me he could love me and still let me go. He did love me once. That is my small consolation. I wish I could put in the past but he will always be a part of everything I do. Like the song from Jordan sparks says you’re on my heart just like a tattoo. I’ll always have you. The warmth and tenderness I left for this man were very real and our song was at my worst by pink sweats. He sent me that song months before I had my breakdown. I’ll always love him deep in my heart, mind, and soul. I don’t blame him for wanting another relationship. I didn’t want him to to be miserable and lonely again. So he found a bride to be. I wonder if it was a love come arranged marriage. Whatever he is doing and wherever he is I hope he is happy. Saying goodbye has not. Been easy., and I know he is in a happier place in his life. The love that I feel will always be there. It’s just a matter of transmutation into something productive.. he wanted me to be independent. And with education and a career and to live on my own. He wanted me to be happy and live.a fulfilled life. I wish the same for him and his bride. When I look back I will always have those fond memories we made. Even if it was a virtual relationship. He escaped my craziness because I gave him a chance to leave. This is the end for us but I would like to think he thinks of me once in a while. Does true love ever die even when both parties are separated by time and circumstances? It is hard to say.