I Accept that I Lost
I never managed to win your heart. Heaven knows how hard I tried. Heaven knows how many sacrifices I made and how many lengths I went to, yet I could never find a place in your heart. Sometimes I feel angry with myself; sometimes I pity myself. In the end, I lost.
You were never merely the image of God to me, you were God Himself in my world. Yet I lost.
My mother often used to tell me that I was so inadequate, so unworthy, that nobody would ever truly choose me. And when you became someone else's, her words began to feel painfully true.
The moment you told me that you could not live without that person, that they understood you, and that your heart belonged to them, it felt as though I were being punished for some unforgivable sin. It felt as though I had been paralysed. Years of waiting... was it all for this?
Every day I find myself asking the same questions. What was my fault? Was I born only to be used and discarded? If only I could change my face. If only I belonged to your faith, your community, your world. If only I could alter my destiny. If only there were something I could do that would make you love me too.
I know I am far from perfect. But tell me honestly, did you never feel my love? Did you never feel my loyalty? Did you never see the care with which I sat beside you for hours when you were ill? I looked after your needs, your wishes, your responsibilities, everything. Did none of it matter? Was it all truly worth nothing?
Perhaps it was worth nothing. Perhaps that is why you chose someone else.
You say that they understand you, that they are the reason you smile. Then tell me, during all those years, did I never make you smile even once? In all those years, did I never understand you at all?
You remember only that final day, when I was arguing with you, when I was saying hurtful things. But you will never think about the reason behind that version of me, nor will you ever tell anyone the truth. Because the truth would expose everything.
Will you ever tell anyone why I behaved the way I did? No. Because then people would realise that I am not the monster you have made me out to be.
You have moved on now. You seem happy. Perhaps I truly was standing in the way of your happiness.
Sometimes I wish I had never met you at all. Sometimes I wish I had possessed the courage to end my own life.
How strange it is. You used to tell me that you were incapable of feeling love, that such feelings could never exist within you. Yet somehow they appeared for that person. I understand now that it is not that people cannot love. It is simply that they do not want to love you.
I have accepted it. That person won, and I lost.
You were never just my love. You were my everything. My entire world. My whole universe.
I worshipped you because every emotion I possessed, every feeling I carried, every colour in my life existed only through you. I served you, adored you, protected you, cared for you, respected you. Yet perhaps there was always something lacking in me. Perhaps I was never enough.
These days, I am no longer well. My head and chest ache constantly. Sometimes I go for days without feeling hunger or thirst; other times I feel as though I have been starving for years. Sometimes I cannot sleep for nights on end; other times I sleep so much that I lose all sense of the world around me.
I know that many months have passed since everything happened, yet the restlessness has never faded. I rarely feel like getting out of bed. It has been days since I last stood beneath an open sky.
I am afraid.
Afraid that if I look up at the clouds, I might see your face staring back at me.
You were never merely the image of God to me, you were God Himself in my world. Yet I lost.
My mother often used to tell me that I was so inadequate, so unworthy, that nobody would ever truly choose me. And when you became someone else's, her words began to feel painfully true.
The moment you told me that you could not live without that person, that they understood you, and that your heart belonged to them, it felt as though I were being punished for some unforgivable sin. It felt as though I had been paralysed. Years of waiting... was it all for this?
Every day I find myself asking the same questions. What was my fault? Was I born only to be used and discarded? If only I could change my face. If only I belonged to your faith, your community, your world. If only I could alter my destiny. If only there were something I could do that would make you love me too.
I know I am far from perfect. But tell me honestly, did you never feel my love? Did you never feel my loyalty? Did you never see the care with which I sat beside you for hours when you were ill? I looked after your needs, your wishes, your responsibilities, everything. Did none of it matter? Was it all truly worth nothing?
Perhaps it was worth nothing. Perhaps that is why you chose someone else.
You say that they understand you, that they are the reason you smile. Then tell me, during all those years, did I never make you smile even once? In all those years, did I never understand you at all?
You remember only that final day, when I was arguing with you, when I was saying hurtful things. But you will never think about the reason behind that version of me, nor will you ever tell anyone the truth. Because the truth would expose everything.
Will you ever tell anyone why I behaved the way I did? No. Because then people would realise that I am not the monster you have made me out to be.
You have moved on now. You seem happy. Perhaps I truly was standing in the way of your happiness.
Sometimes I wish I had never met you at all. Sometimes I wish I had possessed the courage to end my own life.
How strange it is. You used to tell me that you were incapable of feeling love, that such feelings could never exist within you. Yet somehow they appeared for that person. I understand now that it is not that people cannot love. It is simply that they do not want to love you.
I have accepted it. That person won, and I lost.
You were never just my love. You were my everything. My entire world. My whole universe.
I worshipped you because every emotion I possessed, every feeling I carried, every colour in my life existed only through you. I served you, adored you, protected you, cared for you, respected you. Yet perhaps there was always something lacking in me. Perhaps I was never enough.
These days, I am no longer well. My head and chest ache constantly. Sometimes I go for days without feeling hunger or thirst; other times I feel as though I have been starving for years. Sometimes I cannot sleep for nights on end; other times I sleep so much that I lose all sense of the world around me.
I know that many months have passed since everything happened, yet the restlessness has never faded. I rarely feel like getting out of bed. It has been days since I last stood beneath an open sky.
I am afraid.
Afraid that if I look up at the clouds, I might see your face staring back at me.
