I doubt I will ever find love again
My ex boyfriend Sujeet was the love of my life and will always be in my heart. I do not feel I will ever find someone who I love as much as I loved him and who will love me the way he did. I think I will be single for the rest of my life. I also do not desire being physically intimate with anyone anymore. I have let myself go so much I haven’t even shaved my body hair ( except armpits) for the last year or two. Now I’m also as hairy as a tree covered forest. I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me and I have no one but myself to blame. I wish we could have been a real life couple and easily met each other and not just been a virtual couple. If I had worked harder to finish my higher education
And vocational courses I could have made some money and started saving up to live on my own and taking care of myself financially and psychologically. Then I could have brought my ex boyfriend to America and helped him financially while he settled into a new country or I could have gone to see him in India with a remote flexible schedule career on a e business visa. So many what ifs and the potential
Answers and questions still haunt me. Yet I am not a functional, thriving adult who can do those things. I’m still working on learning to take care of myself financially and emotionally/ psychologically as I have mental health disabilities. I have depression, ptsd, anxiety and schizophrenia. I have had low motivation and did not change my life. I broke up with my ex boyfriend after I realized I had a psychotic break from reality and did not want him to have to deal with my mental illness and wait for me for many more years to get my life together and be a mature, responsible, and independent adult. I also felt terrible that at times over the years I made him feel unwanted and ignored because I would give him short replies when I was really depressed and trying to tough it out alone or just engrossed in my hobbies. I felt I no longer deserved his love and maybe never deserved it in the first place though he loved me so much. And also even though he paid me a lot of attention there were times I felt lonely in an online relationship which I shouldn’t have. He waited for me for seven to eight years for becoming a real life couple. He didn’t make enough money to do it on his own to come see me though he tried to save up but he don’t get paid much at his accounting job in India. He in addition to taking care of himself helped his brother financially take care of his aging parents so there was not a lot of money left over. He moved on and found a new love who he got engaged to and presumably married to eight months after we broke up. We were friends for eight months after our breakup but then after he dated this current wife seriously and got engaged he decided to end our friendship completely. The whole situation. Is very sad. I broke my promises to him to be with him forever in a relationship and he told me despite being broken up he would always be good friends. It’s a sad situation all around. Two years after he stopped talking to me I still wonder about him and love him just the same. Three years of being split up have made me regret breaking up with him. Though I wanted to get back together days to weeks after our breakup, he didn’t want to hurt me more than I was hurting and he thought I should find someone in real life who lives closer to me to love. He said we were both 30+ and we weren’t sure if this relationship was going to work out or not. So many reasons it went south. I love him and miss him so much even after all this time. It’s really sad. He has not talked to me in two years and three and a half months. Even when I told him I was sick a few months ago he never responded. He didn’t want to stay in contact with me because his new love might get suspicious and get different thoughts about being together. I suppose he didn’t want Mrs jha to be jealous and suspicious of a relationship that was over way before they met and think he was unfaithful when he wasn’t at all. It’s just sad and pathetic situation for me. But at this least he found some happiness…
And vocational courses I could have made some money and started saving up to live on my own and taking care of myself financially and psychologically. Then I could have brought my ex boyfriend to America and helped him financially while he settled into a new country or I could have gone to see him in India with a remote flexible schedule career on a e business visa. So many what ifs and the potential
Answers and questions still haunt me. Yet I am not a functional, thriving adult who can do those things. I’m still working on learning to take care of myself financially and emotionally/ psychologically as I have mental health disabilities. I have depression, ptsd, anxiety and schizophrenia. I have had low motivation and did not change my life. I broke up with my ex boyfriend after I realized I had a psychotic break from reality and did not want him to have to deal with my mental illness and wait for me for many more years to get my life together and be a mature, responsible, and independent adult. I also felt terrible that at times over the years I made him feel unwanted and ignored because I would give him short replies when I was really depressed and trying to tough it out alone or just engrossed in my hobbies. I felt I no longer deserved his love and maybe never deserved it in the first place though he loved me so much. And also even though he paid me a lot of attention there were times I felt lonely in an online relationship which I shouldn’t have. He waited for me for seven to eight years for becoming a real life couple. He didn’t make enough money to do it on his own to come see me though he tried to save up but he don’t get paid much at his accounting job in India. He in addition to taking care of himself helped his brother financially take care of his aging parents so there was not a lot of money left over. He moved on and found a new love who he got engaged to and presumably married to eight months after we broke up. We were friends for eight months after our breakup but then after he dated this current wife seriously and got engaged he decided to end our friendship completely. The whole situation. Is very sad. I broke my promises to him to be with him forever in a relationship and he told me despite being broken up he would always be good friends. It’s a sad situation all around. Two years after he stopped talking to me I still wonder about him and love him just the same. Three years of being split up have made me regret breaking up with him. Though I wanted to get back together days to weeks after our breakup, he didn’t want to hurt me more than I was hurting and he thought I should find someone in real life who lives closer to me to love. He said we were both 30+ and we weren’t sure if this relationship was going to work out or not. So many reasons it went south. I love him and miss him so much even after all this time. It’s really sad. He has not talked to me in two years and three and a half months. Even when I told him I was sick a few months ago he never responded. He didn’t want to stay in contact with me because his new love might get suspicious and get different thoughts about being together. I suppose he didn’t want Mrs jha to be jealous and suspicious of a relationship that was over way before they met and think he was unfaithful when he wasn’t at all. It’s just sad and pathetic situation for me. But at this least he found some happiness…
31-35, F
