I will always love my ex boyfriend

But I have to learn how to let him go. I still haven’t forgiven myself for breaking up with him three years ago almost. I did it mostly for his own good. He got engaged two years ago after knowing his wife for like two- three months at most. I hope he is happier now with a newer love of his life. We were friends for eight months after we broke up. But as soon as he found his bride to be he decided being friends wasn’t worth it anymore. I can’t say I blame him because having me around would just complicate his relationship and marriage even though I would never try anything nor disrupt the marriage. I love him and I want him to be happy even if it’s not with me. I just wish I could still talk to him and know about what’s going on in his life and him about mine. Talk about philosophy etc. even though I broke up with him then regretted it and asked him a few weeks later to get back together. He thought if was for the best being broken up because I needed someone in real life who could love me. He figured we had an uncertain future and with time I could become independent and find a solution for my life and someone closer to me to love me. He wanted me to be happy too. I was mostly happy with him. Why did I have to have mental illness and have a psychotic break with reality? I was just trying to protect him from dealing with my problems and wasting.his time on me when it could take many more years before I was even financially independent and living on my own. We both had no money to see each other in person. I was so stupid to not finish my university education and vocational skills training courses all because I got depressed at my college and flustered with content and exams from career training courses online. I felt guilty sometimes for not giving him all my attention when depressed or engrossed in hobbies and passions. Making him feel unloved and ignored. He thought I was ignoring.him for two weeks almost when I was hospitalized in the loony bin. I felt a little lonely in an online relationship at times even though he gave me all the attention he could. I wanted him to find someone. Better who was an actual functional and thriving adult., he did. Breaking up caused me so much anguish. I cried so much. He told me even though we were broken up he would always be my friend and in my life. That changed when he met his wife to be. Losing him as a lover and best friend was horrible. Losing him as a good friend also made me cry because I was losing a part of me and someone who truly understood me and saw me for myself. I lost my true love. I tried to get him to talk to me after he told me to please take care and have a good life but no response. Even when i told him I had cancer, he opened the message but never responded., I guess he really didn’t want to piss of his wife even though the thing is neither of us are cheaters. He’s a good man and loyal to the woman he loves. I wish o still had him as a friend because I would taken him in my life anyway I could if just as a friend that would be better than nothing. Well I have ruined things. If I just tried harder, maybe we would met in person and created a life together. Can’t change it now. He was the love of my life all the way in India. He never wanted anything from me except love and honesty. Some people might say oh maybe he was just trying to scam you but that wasn’t it. He never asked me for money. He didn’t make enough money at his accounting job to save enough to come see me. I would have been happy to have eventually married him even if he got a green card out of it. He took care of his parents financially as they aged with his brother. I was his first girlfriend to be honest. He loved me once long ago. Now I just have to learn to love him but still let him go. He chose to go away from me so what choice do I have? We were together for seven-eight years. I remember long ago when we found we had quite a bit in common and he asked me to please be with him in our experience project days. All he wanted was love and honesty. It was my fault for ruining the relationship. My sister said with it being online we would have plateaued eventually. He wanted me to finish. My studies so that way I could become more independent and live on my own. I could have brought him to America eventually or went to see him in India. If I was a normal, thriving, functioning adult. But there is nothing I can do now except keep him in my heart and memories. I don’t regret knowing him. I just wish we could have known each other under easier circumstances. But he found someone out there who understands him and makes him happy even if it’s not me. That’s all that matters. Even if I am dying inside. Hopefully when I am better I will be ok with being single for the rest of my life. Or if I ever do find someone else they won’t take my true loves place but hopefully there is at least affection and devotion for each other. I feel Sujeet’s and my bond is unbreakable even if he is no longer in my life and kept away for the sake of his wife. He will always be mine in spirit. I will always care about him and love him even if loving him means letting him go live his best life from a distance. He wanted me to find a solution for my life and for me to find love in real life. At least he won’t have to leave his country and his family to be with me. His wife lives in India too so he can stay where his home is. Love is complicated… but he taught me many important lessons about myself, love, and life. I’ll always be grateful for the time we shared. I’m glad he could move on and wasn’t permanently. Devastated by our breakup. You’ll be in my heart forevermore Sujeet. He was my first real love. I was his first everything romantically. He always put me first when we were together. He was the best. But now he has a wife to put first. It’s ok. Even though. It crushed my soul he has the right to live in peace.and happiness. I hope he found what he was looking for with his new wife. I hope she gives him all the love I couldn’t. There is that consolation. I could go on…