What does good healthy communication look like between two people who are angry with each other, yet still love each other?
How can problems be resolved in a way that benefits both partners?
It's disheartening and sad to me, when I see two people come together as partners and think that's it...that's all it takes.
FAR FROM IT. Love means continuously working together as a team/partners, not just companions, throughout your relationship. Successful partnerships just don't happen overnight, in a week, in a month, or even a year. This is an ongoing process that takes devotion and faithfulness. That said, I believe this is what love should look like, when two people have disagreements.
Neither person is trying to “punish” the other like a child, but instead sits down like two mature adults and calmly talks about the problem. They respect each other at all times. They truly listen to one another, instead of immediately building a defense in their mind, while the other person is still trying to explain what hurt them or what the issue really is.
Here's why: If you are only preparing your defense, you are not really hearing the other person. And if you do not fully understand the problem, how can it ever truly be resolved?
Real communication means listening without interrupting. It means caring enough to make sure you understood correctly, instead of assuming you did. Neither of you are mind readers. People interpret words differently, so the healthiest thing you can say is:
“I think you’re saying ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”
Then after listening, you calmly share your own feelings and why you feel that way, then ask:
“What do you think would be a good solution where both of us can feel heard, even if we need to compromise a little?”
That is how problems are solved.
There is no need for screaming matches when two people genuinely love and respect each other. But this kind of communication does not always come naturally. The wisest thing two people can do, is wait until they are both calm before discussing the disagreement. When emotions are running high, that is not the best time to try to resolve issues...serious or not!
Giving each other time to cool down allows both people to think more clearly. Sometimes you may even realize, “Maybe I overreacted,” or maybe you still feel hurt, but at least now you can express it calmly instead of through anger.
There is another important reason for waiting until both people are calm. It changes the entire atmosphere of the conversation. You are no longer looking at someone with anger in their eyes, a raised voice, or a face full of frustration. Yes, you may still technically be listening in that moment, but chances are, you are not truly hearing each other. There is a big difference between listening and hearing.
This may sound strange to you, but I've had a person or two, try to communicate with me by screaming in my face, thinking they were actually communicating with me. Not in my book! My reply to them, was .... "yell at me, and I can't hear you; speak to me with respect, instead of like a dog, and I'm all ears!" That difference can change the entire outcome of a relationship.
I don't see how anyone can claim they "love" the other person, if they're constantly wanting to communicate through violence, control, or screaming. This is not how love communicates; that's how bullies communicate. And if you love and respect yourself enough, you won't ever allow that.
Authentic love responds in a calm and respectful manner. It takes self-training, conscious effort and discipline, to learn and exhibit self-control, patience, humility when communicating with your partner. That is why Love is a verb; not just a feeling. Love is shown by how we choose to treat each other...especially during difficult moments.
And that also means not pouting, shutting down, or refusing to communicate, because no one is a mind reader. Both people deserve to be heard in a way that is respectful and loving.
I truly believe that when two people genuinely respect one another, there is very little they cannot work through together. The solution may not always be perfect, but perfection is not the goal. The goal is finding a resolution where both people still feel valued, respected, and loved.
Another important part of healthy communication is learning how to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. When a conversation begins with statements like, “You always do this,” or “You never do that,” the other person immediately feels blamed, judged, or attacked, and that type communication shuts down before it even begins.
A calmer and more loving approach instead, is to explain how certain words or actions make you FEEL. For example: “When I hear this,” or “When this happens, it makes me feel _________.” That small change makes a huge difference! You are no longer pointing fingers or trying to find fault; you are simply sharing your feelings honestly and respectfully. When people do not feel attacked, they are far more willing to truly listen, understand, and work together toward a solution.
I cannot emphasize enough, that when communicating with your partner, don't try to fool them. Always speak with true honesty, from your heart. Don't be a phoney. If you truly love your partner, you won't want to lie to them.
I truly believe with all my heart, that if people would follow the above, there would be far less divorces. The best rule to follow is:
It's disheartening and sad to me, when I see two people come together as partners and think that's it...that's all it takes.
FAR FROM IT. Love means continuously working together as a team/partners, not just companions, throughout your relationship. Successful partnerships just don't happen overnight, in a week, in a month, or even a year. This is an ongoing process that takes devotion and faithfulness. That said, I believe this is what love should look like, when two people have disagreements.
Neither person is trying to “punish” the other like a child, but instead sits down like two mature adults and calmly talks about the problem. They respect each other at all times. They truly listen to one another, instead of immediately building a defense in their mind, while the other person is still trying to explain what hurt them or what the issue really is.
Here's why: If you are only preparing your defense, you are not really hearing the other person. And if you do not fully understand the problem, how can it ever truly be resolved?
Real communication means listening without interrupting. It means caring enough to make sure you understood correctly, instead of assuming you did. Neither of you are mind readers. People interpret words differently, so the healthiest thing you can say is:
“I think you’re saying ____________. Did I understand you correctly?”
Then after listening, you calmly share your own feelings and why you feel that way, then ask:
“What do you think would be a good solution where both of us can feel heard, even if we need to compromise a little?”
That is how problems are solved.
There is no need for screaming matches when two people genuinely love and respect each other. But this kind of communication does not always come naturally. The wisest thing two people can do, is wait until they are both calm before discussing the disagreement. When emotions are running high, that is not the best time to try to resolve issues...serious or not!
Giving each other time to cool down allows both people to think more clearly. Sometimes you may even realize, “Maybe I overreacted,” or maybe you still feel hurt, but at least now you can express it calmly instead of through anger.
There is another important reason for waiting until both people are calm. It changes the entire atmosphere of the conversation. You are no longer looking at someone with anger in their eyes, a raised voice, or a face full of frustration. Yes, you may still technically be listening in that moment, but chances are, you are not truly hearing each other. There is a big difference between listening and hearing.
This may sound strange to you, but I've had a person or two, try to communicate with me by screaming in my face, thinking they were actually communicating with me. Not in my book! My reply to them, was .... "yell at me, and I can't hear you; speak to me with respect, instead of like a dog, and I'm all ears!" That difference can change the entire outcome of a relationship.
I don't see how anyone can claim they "love" the other person, if they're constantly wanting to communicate through violence, control, or screaming. This is not how love communicates; that's how bullies communicate. And if you love and respect yourself enough, you won't ever allow that.
Authentic love responds in a calm and respectful manner. It takes self-training, conscious effort and discipline, to learn and exhibit self-control, patience, humility when communicating with your partner. That is why Love is a verb; not just a feeling. Love is shown by how we choose to treat each other...especially during difficult moments.
And that also means not pouting, shutting down, or refusing to communicate, because no one is a mind reader. Both people deserve to be heard in a way that is respectful and loving.
I truly believe that when two people genuinely respect one another, there is very little they cannot work through together. The solution may not always be perfect, but perfection is not the goal. The goal is finding a resolution where both people still feel valued, respected, and loved.
Another important part of healthy communication is learning how to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. When a conversation begins with statements like, “You always do this,” or “You never do that,” the other person immediately feels blamed, judged, or attacked, and that type communication shuts down before it even begins.
A calmer and more loving approach instead, is to explain how certain words or actions make you FEEL. For example: “When I hear this,” or “When this happens, it makes me feel _________.” That small change makes a huge difference! You are no longer pointing fingers or trying to find fault; you are simply sharing your feelings honestly and respectfully. When people do not feel attacked, they are far more willing to truly listen, understand, and work together toward a solution.
I cannot emphasize enough, that when communicating with your partner, don't try to fool them. Always speak with true honesty, from your heart. Don't be a phoney. If you truly love your partner, you won't want to lie to them.
I truly believe with all my heart, that if people would follow the above, there would be far less divorces. The best rule to follow is:
Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you.
