Lost Connection

I find myself swept up in "What if I had done..." scenarios tonight. In Particular about a lost love, McKenzie, who I met nearly 20 years ago on the ExperienceProject.

We were in love from afar, it wasn't some instant attraction, but rather a closeness that grew through the years we had known each other. This was back when Skype still existed and people actually used it.

Long story made short, we woke up to the impossibility of our situation and decided to stay in touch...only, I got locked out of all of my accounts that had her contact info about 9 years ago. I tried every way I could think of to get back in touch with her, even made a social media account to see if I could find her again, but never could (tried again, still can't).

I don't know where life has taken her (Probably still teaching, she had just landed her first Job as an elementary school teacher the last time I was able to speak to her), and I hope she is happy wherever she is...

Nonetheless I find myself feeling a sense of loss, a sort of sorrow in what seems a last awakening on the subject. I never stopped loving the person I knew then, and even in the many years between then and now, I have often found myself thinking of her. Maybe it's stupid of me, but I don't want to let go of those memories.

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brainrapist · 31-35, F

It’s not stupid at all to want to hold onto the memories of someone you once loved or may still love, especially given the circumstances of your abrupt end. My only suggestion would be to not hang on to “what-ifs” or to allow those “what-ifs” to hinder you from creating connections with other people. Perhaps your paths will cross again some day, but if not then that’s okay too.

ZulXeroth · 31-35, M

@brainrapist I appreciate the thought.

I don't believe our paths will cross again, especially with no internet presence and I also moved to another continent on the other side of the world.

I have to ask myself if it has hindered me as you warn against, and the answer is that I don't know. I think that those memories and that place she still holds in my heart do still to some degree bar me from full commitment with new connections. Maybe not. After her I think I lost hope that I would ever have an experience like that again in making new relationships, or letting something like a friendship naturally evolve again the way it did then.

The dating culture is also really weird where I live now, kind of a fuck first feelings later situation, and that's not really my thing.

brainrapist · 31-35, F

@ZulXeroth unfortunately it seems that’s what dating culture has become in general, and it’s not really my thing either. Honestly, it fucking sucks. I know it may not feel like it sometimes, but don’t lose hope that you can’t create that sort of connection with someone else. Or one even stronger. I hope you have that some day.