Did it really happen? Why all failed?

As kid, i was shy, feeling unloveable and all, always curse at myself why i couldnt just talk to some girl or other.
I promised myself never to be shy again when 13yo.
It kinda worked and not.. i burned myself out, wearing my heart on my sleeves.
I would go long distances, meeting many girls from dating sites.

Nothing really became anything. And in the end, my first girlfriend was someone i met at a friends house.

I never imagined i be able to do all that.
But what makes me think the most "did it really happen".
Was when i travelled to Georgia (the country), from Denmark, as 26yo.
I had met a woman online, and i set it as my mission that "this is the one", id do all to learn, be good and all the right things.
It was fantastic, new country and all. She cried when i left, never had anyone shown this feeling with me.
I wanted to come again .. but something was wrong.. and i ended up spending 9 days in a apartment alone.

Then i met someone from Italy, scicily, the most beautiful woman i ever met.
Not once, but two times.
In start she made me promise not to fall in love. No, ofc not.. but i was on a mission..
After we met, we did write eachother every day for a year, "love you"..
But.... it was a unspoken, unofficial relationship, messed up, and always too scared to ask, etc.

I cant believe it happend. Is it me in pictures? Did i meet that woman?

Uffff... and many other stories.

One girl called me the love expert once.. yet i fail.

For once in my life, id want something to last with the women i have really wanted.
But also have thrown away myself some of those chances.

I think about if i am still low in self belief, since i cant believe i met those women..
But i guess its better than thinking i am just the best of all, and ofcourse.

Its also about a lot more than looks. I have really learned that some its just not possible to function with.