Midnight Ramblings: Existentialism Edition
I don't really have any dreams. There's no long-term plan for me. I honestly never thought I would live this long. But I'm alive and trying to live the best I can. I have a comfortable existence with my two best furry friends, I spend plenty of time outdoors, I'm physically active, and I get to try a new flavor of ice cream every other week. I even caved and bought myself some furniture earlier today.
That was actually a pretty significant milestone for me, since it's the first time I've bought furniture since moving into this apartment 4 years ago. I usually just went with what other people had thrown out and found that it still served its purpose even if it wasn't in prime condition. Though it's not for a lack of money. I could splurge on a whole furniture set and be fine.
It's just hard to feel settled in life. I don't know what to do, where to go, when to act, how to live, who to be, or even why to be. I only really know how to get by and survive. Everything else simply feels like I'm trying to fill out the time.
I like my hobbies, but I'm not passionate about them. I like my dogs, but they're kinda just a surrogate for a lonely guy trying to make up for a lifetime of being unloved. I also ordered a Nintendo Switch yesterday with the hopes that I could find some childlike joy in mashing buttons and leveling up.
The truth is, it was mostly videogames and TV that raised me. It's a big reason why I've resisted so heavily playing new games or watching new shows. I haven't watched TV or bought a console in over a decade, despite having interest in seeing so many different shows and playing a variety of games that I felt would resonate with me. I think a large part of it is realizing just how far behind in life these distractions have made me.
My parents never really encouraged me to dream. The expectation from day one was to do well in school, earn good grades, and eventually go to college. I had been so brainwashed and socially isolated that I ended up going to college for the sole purpose of being able to earn money afterwards. I didn't even think about what my job duties or experience would be like. I simply treated the two diplomas I would end up collecting as a redeemable ticket for a steady, well-paying means of affording my expenses.
It's messed up when you think about it. People honestly strive to measure themselves by what they do to earn money, by how much money they collect, by which luxurious things they can purchase with said money. It's such a narrow way of seeing the world. As if a person is only as good as how much they can take from this world, rather than being valued for what they can do for and how much they give to it.
The end result of this kind of conditioning is that I feel like I'm living like on autopilot. I'm going to work, paying my bills, walking my dogs, and going to sleep at a reasonable time simply because I'm supposed to. I graduated college because I'm supposed to. I'm courteous and polite towards people because I'm supposed to. I bite my tongue and bury my feelings because I'm supposed to. But even after doing all I was supposed to do, the emptiness remains. It makes me wonder what else I'm supposed to do.
But I guess that's ultimately how society is structured to run. Regardless, it does feel like there's a lot that's missing. Deep down there's still the desire to do something meaningful with my life. I know my job and my service and my demureness provide value to people, but it doesn't really provide fulfillment or happiness. I realize that being giving and supportive and understanding, to provide these sentiments for people, is exactly the type of person I'd like to be.
It goes beyond just being servile. The world is full of broken things and broken people and many show no interest in repairing them. There's an overemphasis in this society about being able to take. How much money you take home, how many partners you take to the bedroom, which things you can take from the store, what land you can take for yourself. The world seems like it's as messed up as it is because people just take and let the broken things pile up.
And maybe my problem is that I feel like one of these broken things. Unwanted, unseen, and undesirable. Left to rot by a population that sees no use for me. Sometimes I think that's why I find myself so drawn to this place. There are so many lost and lonely people that maybe could use someone to hear them, to encourage them, and to help them with certain problems. I'm not really sure how much of a difference it ultimately makes in light of my own relative lack of success, but at least I'm trying.
All I'm really trying to say with this post is that I'm trying. I don't know if this furniture I bought will amount to a feeling of being settled in life, but I'm trying to get there. And I don't know how to help or heal the people I've let in, but I'm trying to be there. I truly don't know if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing in life, but I'm still trying to figure it out.
Someday I think I'll get to where I want to be
That was actually a pretty significant milestone for me, since it's the first time I've bought furniture since moving into this apartment 4 years ago. I usually just went with what other people had thrown out and found that it still served its purpose even if it wasn't in prime condition. Though it's not for a lack of money. I could splurge on a whole furniture set and be fine.
It's just hard to feel settled in life. I don't know what to do, where to go, when to act, how to live, who to be, or even why to be. I only really know how to get by and survive. Everything else simply feels like I'm trying to fill out the time.
I like my hobbies, but I'm not passionate about them. I like my dogs, but they're kinda just a surrogate for a lonely guy trying to make up for a lifetime of being unloved. I also ordered a Nintendo Switch yesterday with the hopes that I could find some childlike joy in mashing buttons and leveling up.
The truth is, it was mostly videogames and TV that raised me. It's a big reason why I've resisted so heavily playing new games or watching new shows. I haven't watched TV or bought a console in over a decade, despite having interest in seeing so many different shows and playing a variety of games that I felt would resonate with me. I think a large part of it is realizing just how far behind in life these distractions have made me.
My parents never really encouraged me to dream. The expectation from day one was to do well in school, earn good grades, and eventually go to college. I had been so brainwashed and socially isolated that I ended up going to college for the sole purpose of being able to earn money afterwards. I didn't even think about what my job duties or experience would be like. I simply treated the two diplomas I would end up collecting as a redeemable ticket for a steady, well-paying means of affording my expenses.
It's messed up when you think about it. People honestly strive to measure themselves by what they do to earn money, by how much money they collect, by which luxurious things they can purchase with said money. It's such a narrow way of seeing the world. As if a person is only as good as how much they can take from this world, rather than being valued for what they can do for and how much they give to it.
The end result of this kind of conditioning is that I feel like I'm living like on autopilot. I'm going to work, paying my bills, walking my dogs, and going to sleep at a reasonable time simply because I'm supposed to. I graduated college because I'm supposed to. I'm courteous and polite towards people because I'm supposed to. I bite my tongue and bury my feelings because I'm supposed to. But even after doing all I was supposed to do, the emptiness remains. It makes me wonder what else I'm supposed to do.
But I guess that's ultimately how society is structured to run. Regardless, it does feel like there's a lot that's missing. Deep down there's still the desire to do something meaningful with my life. I know my job and my service and my demureness provide value to people, but it doesn't really provide fulfillment or happiness. I realize that being giving and supportive and understanding, to provide these sentiments for people, is exactly the type of person I'd like to be.
It goes beyond just being servile. The world is full of broken things and broken people and many show no interest in repairing them. There's an overemphasis in this society about being able to take. How much money you take home, how many partners you take to the bedroom, which things you can take from the store, what land you can take for yourself. The world seems like it's as messed up as it is because people just take and let the broken things pile up.
And maybe my problem is that I feel like one of these broken things. Unwanted, unseen, and undesirable. Left to rot by a population that sees no use for me. Sometimes I think that's why I find myself so drawn to this place. There are so many lost and lonely people that maybe could use someone to hear them, to encourage them, and to help them with certain problems. I'm not really sure how much of a difference it ultimately makes in light of my own relative lack of success, but at least I'm trying.
All I'm really trying to say with this post is that I'm trying. I don't know if this furniture I bought will amount to a feeling of being settled in life, but I'm trying to get there. And I don't know how to help or heal the people I've let in, but I'm trying to be there. I truly don't know if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing in life, but I'm still trying to figure it out.
Someday I think I'll get to where I want to be
31-35, M
