I’m going crazy

I don’t want to be here l in rainy, boring Delaware. I don’t want to be on the East side of this country at all. Avoiding crowds of miserable people and the once natural beauty they destroyed. Hiding in my dead Mama’s house with the haunting memories of her dementia. The man I loved, admitted to using me, gone. No family, no support, just my son’s dad who won’t do anything but sit on his fat ass.

I’ve busted my ass to take care of my son and myself. Our physical and mental health is always a priority. I worked and saved and paid off and got us out there, traveling the country in a van with no plans, no schedules, just free.

I write poems, draw and sing to the ocean like a siren calling out. All heart. All love. But what for? Soon another year will be behind me and looking ahead at the unknown, I have only one fear. There’s only one silly thing I wanted out of this struggle, to be loved by someone who doesn’t take from us. To relax around someone and trust that they will be kind, gentle and genuine to my son and I. However how much love can you give when all you ever get is hurt? I don’t feel sorry for myself, I am just frustrated that no matter what, I end up on my own. Of course I am there for my son and his love gives me strength. But it’d be nice if we both had a constant in our life. If we both received love without conditions. If I could relax and feel like one person has my back. I could loosen the muscles in my shoulders if I didn’t have to carry all the weight of being a parent, or simply a genuine woman with a big, loving heart.

Geez I don’t want much. I don’t even care about ego and looks. I don’t care about money or stuff. I just want love for us. I wish I could stop. At this point I feel deranged and obsessive about it. Yet I can’t let go. I care so much. So much mush in my heart. So much to give. It hurts to hold all this in. I don’t even have a friend I can confide in. I’ve really just gotten the hang of life and want someone to share with, someone to be there when I stumble and I would be there for them. Why not? I just keep falling and getting hurt.

TinyViolins · 31-35, M

As much as this yearning you have resonates with me, in a way I'm painfully intimate with, I do think it's important to carve out your own identity rather than defining yourself by your current relationship status. What I mean is to not have your life revolve around this void but rather let the love flow out of you in ways independent of a target.

It seems like you're causing yourself a good deal of stress and heartache by focusing so much on the lack of love instead of pursuing the things you do love. Obsessing over your loneliness makes the weight of isolation feel so much heavier, and that could make it difficult to relate to others who feel pressured to be your support system.

That isn't to say the people in your life shouldn't be supportive, but rather that spending so much energy thinking about what you don't have might make it harder to appreciate the things you do. Focusing so much on the negative tends to dampen other people's moods.

Life is a journey, not a destination. You'll need to have your own plans and hobbies so that you're not so dependent on someone else's. The people you invite into your life might become exhausted or feel smothered by feeling the need to provide a life for you. I know I've pushed a lot of decent people away by hoping for more from them than they were willing to give.

Just be patient. Meaningful connections take time to develop, so learning to fill your time with things that matter to you can provide the necessary space for these relationships to blossom. I think I would be incredibly happy to have a friend like you, and I don't really like people that much. You have a lot of good to offer, so it's probably wise to stop worrying so much and trust that other good people will see the same in you.

SledgeHammer · 46-50, M

I dont know what to tell you here.

Everything seems to get worse before it gets better...

Just hang tight and roll with it for now because you're do for something good soon.

But let me say this... that house is good for distraction...

Then again... it's a big bag of frustration,,

Sell it as is and get the hell out of dodge city.

You dont belong there

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@SledgeHammer being back East has been a nightmare. I’m drowning. My son wants to stay a year for school 😞 I have to care for his wants, he gave up a lot when we were in the van, but he is also starting to see for himself how crappy it is here. So I’m hoping in a year, we will be ready to get out of here for good. The house will be tip top for sale and we won’t ever come back.

Thank you sweet friend for hearing me 🖤