Under the radar

I never liked being the centre of attention. As a child, if more than 2 people were looking at me, I would burst into tears. I hated it. It felt like I was being mocked; like everyone was looking at me like I was a joke.

I liked being the person who contributed from the shadows. I didn’t mind not getting the credit. But lately it felt like not wanting this attention translated into me feeling… unappreciated.

At work, I was constantly told that I needed to be more visible. Just because I didn’t want to present my work, this suddenly meant that the work did not happen. There was a time when I was drowning under so much work, and while I was trying to support everyone, the ones who felt like I wasn’t doing enough for them specifically made enough noise that it impacted my performance reviews. Not quick enough. Not communicating enough. Not enough.

Socially, I always felt like I had to make efforts to make friends. Putting myself out there, joining clubs. It started to feel like a performance, more than anything. So lately I have stopped performing. And it’s quiet. Only one has bothered to check in.

I feel like I have to work to be remembered.
Why can’t I be appreciated for the person I am? Have someone think of me, just because?

I feel like I will just.. fade away. Like breath fogging up a window, it disappears if I stop breathing.