A letter to my step son (not actually sending)

Five years ago you stepped into my life and I had no idea the journey that would follow. I never tried to be “Dad” I just wanted to be someone you could rely on. I never wanted a title or same grand gesture rather I just wanted you to know you were loved and valued. In these 5 yrs you became my son. 5 yrs of memories - fishing trips, cabin trips, our hiking adventure, Jelly Roll concert, Disney Vacation and so many more but the ones I cherished the most were teaching you to shave, taking you driving on the roads at the cabin, teaching you how to use the mower, and all the heart to hearts. I’ll never forget the day I got the call that you were in the icu, the whole time I was racing to your mom all I could cry out was God be with my son wrap him in your arms. All I wanted to know was my boy was ok. This year though is different. I sit here in an empty apartment with not even a Happy Father’s Day. The pain is intense the tears are flowing wondering where I went wrong and what I did to deserve this. From this day forward you will not hurt me or rule my thoughts. When your mom walked away I was there. What I don’t understand is how can you plot to ruin or bury someone you once called Dad? How can you do that to someone who every night told he loved you and was proud of you? For years I’ve heard that you love me but I guess I just don’t know what love looks like. Just remember you reap what you sow and a burned bridge cannot be crossed again. I will always love you and want nothing but the best for you but it will be from a distance cause I cannot allow myself to feel this amount of hurt and pain again.