Looking in her, is looking in the mirror ...
In this woman at her 50s that I have spent the last 3weeks living together, and I didn't leave as I should for my sanity, but I stayed looking at what is it that's annoying me so strongly, I found my mother.
Her pressure towards spirituality and her wish to explain to me things directly, in an unfreeing way, of not letting truly the other to have their own experience and perception around it.
My weakness of not being able to stand on my centre and my feet against her power, as at the same time I am trying to care about her feelings.
At the same time, I see myself in her, the rigid and controlling, the powerful that leaves no space for others, the distant from the hearts of the world.....
And ultimately, my difficulty to let things flow, see the reflections but then take it back, it's only a projection, and see her for who she truly is. And love myself enough to remove myself from this situation that I am loosing my strength, health and livelihood.
Despite she's doing "all that she can" to make me feel welcome here, I feel deeply unloved around her.
And again at this point, I will say, it must be my inability to love, but I am working on it and around others I feel a lot more open and willing to share my heart.
I tried many times during my stay to take the blame off her and take responsibility for myself. I know that's what I'd better be doing, yet I have only managed that temporarily. The main reasons I have stayed are that I found the place comfortable and affordable and I had my feelings along with curiosity extended by her.
People.. it's just an Airbnb where I am staying with her (I do have my own room but rest is shared) and I am the creepy one here and not her !!! I can see and recognise it. I feel that I should have left already sometime ago but I didn't. Now it's only a couple of days remaining. I think I might made her feel uncomfortable too, even though I am so very discreet, but she's very aware so she must have caught stuff..
She's welcoming me back after I finish with a few other plans, but I leave this post as a reminder for me.
It was good to remind me again of certain aspects of my childhood teenage and adult life, but I don't want more if that's okay...
She's a great mirror though. And great in many ways. But I feel my heart closing 💔 nearby her. Perhaps it's me, but I can't know......
To the new beginnings that are awaiting 🌄
Her pressure towards spirituality and her wish to explain to me things directly, in an unfreeing way, of not letting truly the other to have their own experience and perception around it.
My weakness of not being able to stand on my centre and my feet against her power, as at the same time I am trying to care about her feelings.
At the same time, I see myself in her, the rigid and controlling, the powerful that leaves no space for others, the distant from the hearts of the world.....
And ultimately, my difficulty to let things flow, see the reflections but then take it back, it's only a projection, and see her for who she truly is. And love myself enough to remove myself from this situation that I am loosing my strength, health and livelihood.
Despite she's doing "all that she can" to make me feel welcome here, I feel deeply unloved around her.
And again at this point, I will say, it must be my inability to love, but I am working on it and around others I feel a lot more open and willing to share my heart.
I tried many times during my stay to take the blame off her and take responsibility for myself. I know that's what I'd better be doing, yet I have only managed that temporarily. The main reasons I have stayed are that I found the place comfortable and affordable and I had my feelings along with curiosity extended by her.
People.. it's just an Airbnb where I am staying with her (I do have my own room but rest is shared) and I am the creepy one here and not her !!! I can see and recognise it. I feel that I should have left already sometime ago but I didn't. Now it's only a couple of days remaining. I think I might made her feel uncomfortable too, even though I am so very discreet, but she's very aware so she must have caught stuff..
She's welcoming me back after I finish with a few other plans, but I leave this post as a reminder for me.
It was good to remind me again of certain aspects of my childhood teenage and adult life, but I don't want more if that's okay...
She's a great mirror though. And great in many ways. But I feel my heart closing 💔 nearby her. Perhaps it's me, but I can't know......
To the new beginnings that are awaiting 🌄
