I Like to Write About How I Feel

Sometimes, I lie to myself and say that im fine and that everything is ok. Everything is ok. But the the silence seems to pierce my ears. The silence that I used to covet and made me so "happy" brings me 100x more saddness. Sometimes I tell my self that I am ok and im not depressed, especially on good days and I believe but one thing can set me off and a good day turns into a terrible day, week, month, please don't let these feelings last the entire year. I think I need to find something to make me happy but nothing moves me and i can just lay here staring at the ceiling doing nothing and then feeling empty and feeling nothing and feeling sad and all of these emotions. I wish people would stop asking me about my damn plans after I graduate. Shit I didn't even plan to make it this far in life but here I am. You know some people may look down on me but I think it a miracle that I haven't killed myself and just with that I think I can tell myself Im doing good in life because Im not dead but then who knows death might be better. I am always telling myself that I don't care but then I run back to my apartment and realize just how terrified I am of life and just how scared I might also be of death and so here I am trapped.

I feel like since im alive I should try to do things that make me happy and find meaning in the things I do but sometimes I just can't find meaning in anything and I wonder why am I doing this. or that and I look at all things in life and feel dissatisfaction. I just want to wrap myself in my blankets and sleep all day and pretend that time and life will wait for me to feel better. I feel like time is rushing me sometimes and i really wish I could just stop it and cry for a few hours or just sleep for a few days, or just stare into the the oblivion or just my empty future.