I like to write my thoughts to get things off my chest

I am a very sensitive person. My mind is sooo complicated and at the same time very simple equation. I am not a lonely person but I love to be alone than with people. My relations after college changed and instead of making friendships , I made a circle of deep social relations because I found that is better for me as a medical guy. I had a very peaceful life full of progression and success and I was almost there ! Life us upside downs and I believe in that too. The last couple of years of college went so drifty and I couldn't keep my balance. I wonder how such events affect my core badly and twist me away knowing that I need every chance to make myself a decent and a content man. Everything got distorted and I have gone into mere darkness and still after more that 12 years I feel that I am still there with no single move forward. The past cracks affected my present and mostly it will have an effect on my future. I work hard to lift myself up and get closer to the line but still a very strong objection is living in my brain and heart. I have a sense of self blame still there are some who were involved in the state I am living who I believe they haven't get the punishment they deserve. I compare my past sedentary life to the anxious life I am living now and wonder how come! I can't let go of the past to proceed in the presence. I feel that I lost much. All things happened and happening is a new cut in me , something never happened before and I have to deal with it. I am not looking for you to come up with solutions it is more like venting and thanks .