Meaningless Crap

I get tired and bored of giving these days. It used to give me so much joy to be generous, but now I’m just drained. Tired of takers. Tired of people who say they got you, then they bail. Tired of hopelessness and negativity trying to trip me up when I’m standing up for love and caring. People assume I have it easy or something? Like no, I’m nice because I’ve been shit on by life. I don’t have a fkn family or anyone except a child I raise alone. If I give in to the misery, I give up on my son, on the future and the world I’ll be leaving behind someday. I refuse to do that. But that strength is just seen as weakness, stupidity, inexperience, Idgaf how people see me anymore.

I don’t even understand life anymore.

I don’t understand how I’m supposed to teach my son to trust people when there’s no one to trust. We don’t have a safety, no family, no community and for years I’ve been bravely putting us out there helping, volunteering, traveling, talking to people, listening, learning, trying to add value to existence and still we are unloveable.

I am feeling strange and starting to believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I say I’m kind and people act like I do it because I want something… I guess yeah, to see people smile. To brighten their day. In hopes they pass it along… and yes I thought being kind would invite more kindness into my life, sorry I guess that was dumb? I’m dumb for being nice, that’s all I get anymore.