Did anyone ever hear of Death by Complications?

Did anyone ever hear "Death by Complications? I mean, it’s so vague. So mysterious. Did you ever wonder what it actually means? Especially if you’re a woman? Because if you’re a lady, "Complications" usually just means "We didn't listen to her for six years."

Well, guess what, folks? Aren’t you glad I have this nice, thick, heavy-ass book with me today? When I was a kid, this was my booster seat in the car, at the dinner table, getting a haircut. You name it. This book was glued to my ass.

This is the ICD-10. The actual Medical Dictionary. And let me tell you, "Complications" isn't in here. You know what is in here? Real reasons people die.

Like code V97.33XD: "Sucked into jet engine, subsequent encounter." (Pause) "Subsequent"? That means it happened before! Who survives getting sucked into a jet engine once, let alone twice? That’s not a patient, that’s Wolverine. And the doctor is just sitting there like, "Well, Mr. Logan, since this is your second time getting pulverized by a turbine, we have to file the 33XD form."

But my favorite used to be "Struck by duck." Until I saw the new 2026 update. They realized ducks are too slow. The real killer now? Ladybugs. Yeah, there’s a code for "Attacked by swarm of ladybugs, subsequent encounter." ( I Mime swatting frantically Ladybugs) "Get them off! They’re too cute! I can’t handle the polka dots!" The coroner writes it down: "W57.88XD: Bitten or stung by other nonvenomous insect, specifically an adorable army of beetles, subsequent encounter." "Subsequent"? You mean you went back to the garden again? "Yeah, doc, I thought they were friendly! They formed a heart shape on my chest and then ate my lungs!"

And since we’re living in the future, I’m waiting for the code for "Killed by AI-driven car while trying to pet it." (I start Miming to reach out) "Good boy, car. Good boy." Whirrrr-CRUNCH. The coroner just checks the box: "V99.88: Interaction with over polite vehicle, initial encounter." The car didn’t kill him out of malice, it killed him because it was trying to optimize his "pedestrian experience" and miscalculated the stopping distance by three feet!

(I take a look at the book. Then looks at you guys staring at me)

But honestly? The most dangerous code in this whole book isn't the bugs, or the robots, or even the jet engines. It’s the one they use when you try to do something old school. Like driving a stick shift. There’s definitely a code for "Driver killed while attempting to operate manual transmission." (I imitate frantic gear shifting, foot slipping) "Where’s the clutch?! Why is it making that noise?! I thought this was an Uber!" CRASH. "V43.52XA: Car driver injured in collision with SUV due to inability to find reverse, initial encounter." It’s not an accident; it’s a learning disability! The car didn’t kill him; his inability to coordinate his left foot killed him. He died because he couldn’t find neutral while screaming at a Honda Civic.

(I slam the book shut loudly and then hold it up high.)

So next time a doctor says "Complications," just ask: "Is that the same chapter as 'Burned by water skis on fire,' 'Eaten by a Tesla,' 'Loved to death by ladybugs,' or 'Killed by a stick shift'?"

Because if it is, you didn’t die of natural causes. You died because you didn’t know how to drive a manual.

(take a Pause. look down at the heavy book in my hands, looks back up and says)

And frankly, looking at this thing... you probably didn’t know how to read the manual either.

(drop the book on the floor with a heavy THUD. Stage goes black.)