I Express Myself Through Writing

I have dissociative identity disorder. My goal is to become fully integrated. I just realized that I am still disassociating and doing that no longer serves me in my life. I have not been able to be a consistent caregiver to my grandchildren and this is something I very much want to be. And not just with them but in my entire life in every aspect. I shared this with my fiance last night and I think he found some relief, because all the while he kept telling me he never knew what to expect from me, I kept telling him, that that was on him. Then I realized how iradic my behavior really was. I knew that sometimes I loved him more than life itself, but at other times I only wondered why I didn't feel that way at the moment. It makes sense now and I am beginning to put things into perspective the right perspective. Things can only get better from hear. I know I don't remember a whole lot of my life before I turned 11. It was a very traumatic time in my life. I know that my brain did a very amazing thing to protect me from what I was going through. And today, that part of my brain trusted me enough to start sharing that part of my life with the whole of me. I didn't remember any events but I felt the sadness, a very deep sadness because of what happened during those years. I am very happy that I was able to get in touch with this part of myself. I know I am on my way to be coming whole again, or even maybe for the first time in my life and that is a beautiful, amazing thing to me.