I Express Myself Through Writing
I know that you have to want to change or at least realize that you need to change because the way you do things now isn't quite working for you like it did in the past, all on your own. He tells me he hates feeling like he does and says he just needs to think about something else or do something else to take his mind off of what is bothering him. And that will work, I suppose, for the interim, but long term it just will not last. I have come to realize that the key is changing your thinking all together about everything. He quite often feels like he is in my way, I have no control over what he thinks, but he seems to think I do. He sees what he wants to, instead of being realistic and seeing that I am always tired, I have a lot going on with a new job, three grandchildren I am in the process of adopting, and having moved to new place not to long ago. I am also trying to make him a part of every aspect of my life, but he doesn't see that, he sees that I just don't want to be on the phone with him every time I get a chance to just breathe for a minute. He doesn't respect that I need me time, as limited as it is anyway. I love him and I pray for him continuously and I know change does not happen overnight, I just wish I seen any attempt of at least trying to. When we argue, he starts reading the book, but I quit arguing so now he doesn't read it at all. Like everything is okay and there is no point, but still feels compelled to tell me how unhappy he is in this relationship. Every time he wants to tell me what's wrong, I try to get his focus on what we should do to try to fix it, instead of keeping his focus on what's wrong, but his answer to what's wrong is I need to spend every chance I get on the phone with him. I don't even talk to him about it any more, I feel like he is trying to control me and I am just not going to feed into his drama. I can usually look around in my life and find a lot to be happy about but I have to say that lately I am so exhausted I can barely keep my eyes open let alone be happy.
I want to be a more consistent parent to my grandchildren, they really need that and I started some really good programs with them to get them to be better and it's really good things but I can't keep up now because I am so tired. I thought about it and wondered if I put to much on my shoulders, but initially i was okay. I had the energy to keep up but now i just want to sleep. I want to take a personal day and just sleep but don't tell anyone that i am staying home so i won't be expected to do anything for anyone else and i can just sleep all day. Great thing about the new job, i do have about 12 sick days so, conceivably I could do this.
Then I wonder if just getting some extra sleep will help, I know I go through spells where I am just really tired all the time and usually around a full moon. But seriously I just want to sleep.
I want to be a more consistent parent to my grandchildren, they really need that and I started some really good programs with them to get them to be better and it's really good things but I can't keep up now because I am so tired. I thought about it and wondered if I put to much on my shoulders, but initially i was okay. I had the energy to keep up but now i just want to sleep. I want to take a personal day and just sleep but don't tell anyone that i am staying home so i won't be expected to do anything for anyone else and i can just sleep all day. Great thing about the new job, i do have about 12 sick days so, conceivably I could do this.
Then I wonder if just getting some extra sleep will help, I know I go through spells where I am just really tired all the time and usually around a full moon. But seriously I just want to sleep.
51-55, F