I Express Myself Through Writing
I am absolutely me right now. I just need to get that out before I continue.
I haven't let the absence of him take me off track from the goals that I'm currently pursuing.
I'm continuing to seek out my interests (reading, writing, painting/crafting), trying new things (mountain biking, rock climbing, starting a new business)... I'm still enjoying my life. I'm currently working a full-time job as a therapist with the state, and then my part-time job is a contracted therapist. I've been consistent in working out 4 times a week for the past month, and I've been making time for friends and family. So basically, I'm rocking it.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about him at least once a day. Sometimes it's the smallest thought, well... not even a thought. It's more of a feeling. A warm radiating globe begins to well up in my chest, and it's a soft warmth. The kind that reminds me of when we were an arm's length apart. My whole being would glow, and I felt him embracing me even though we were just standing next to each other.
Sometimes I'll have a new epiphany or experience something that feels milestone-esque, and I'll just want to share it with him, then I remember I can't.
The feelings of sadness and anger are gone. I'm just wondering why the other feeling hasn't left yet.
Sometimes I wonder if when he's done figuring out what he has to figure out, would I take him back? I guess I'm still grappling with the difference between pride and self-respect. I've been in unbalanced relationships before, and I just want to be sure that I'm still treating myself with respect and protecting myself from someone who's untrustworthy and/or unreliable. I also wonder how emotionally available someone like that is if they just decided to cut-off all communication for 1 and a half months (it was initially 3 months, but he realized that was obviously too long).
I just don't want to seem like I'm waiting for him. And even with all the things that I'm doing and all of the new events occurring in my life, I still feel that there is space for him. And I hate that the space is there! I don't want to be so available. I'm afraid if that will lead to me being taken for granted in the future.
How do you know when to draw the line? How do you know when it's time to cut someone out for good?
Normally, I end up sticking around and giving chance after chance until I'm severely wounded. I want to know if it's time before that point, but I also don't want to start cutting people out of my life prematurely.
I haven't let the absence of him take me off track from the goals that I'm currently pursuing.
I'm continuing to seek out my interests (reading, writing, painting/crafting), trying new things (mountain biking, rock climbing, starting a new business)... I'm still enjoying my life. I'm currently working a full-time job as a therapist with the state, and then my part-time job is a contracted therapist. I've been consistent in working out 4 times a week for the past month, and I've been making time for friends and family. So basically, I'm rocking it.
But I would be lying if I said I didn't still think about him at least once a day. Sometimes it's the smallest thought, well... not even a thought. It's more of a feeling. A warm radiating globe begins to well up in my chest, and it's a soft warmth. The kind that reminds me of when we were an arm's length apart. My whole being would glow, and I felt him embracing me even though we were just standing next to each other.
Sometimes I'll have a new epiphany or experience something that feels milestone-esque, and I'll just want to share it with him, then I remember I can't.
The feelings of sadness and anger are gone. I'm just wondering why the other feeling hasn't left yet.
Sometimes I wonder if when he's done figuring out what he has to figure out, would I take him back? I guess I'm still grappling with the difference between pride and self-respect. I've been in unbalanced relationships before, and I just want to be sure that I'm still treating myself with respect and protecting myself from someone who's untrustworthy and/or unreliable. I also wonder how emotionally available someone like that is if they just decided to cut-off all communication for 1 and a half months (it was initially 3 months, but he realized that was obviously too long).
I just don't want to seem like I'm waiting for him. And even with all the things that I'm doing and all of the new events occurring in my life, I still feel that there is space for him. And I hate that the space is there! I don't want to be so available. I'm afraid if that will lead to me being taken for granted in the future.
How do you know when to draw the line? How do you know when it's time to cut someone out for good?
Normally, I end up sticking around and giving chance after chance until I'm severely wounded. I want to know if it's time before that point, but I also don't want to start cutting people out of my life prematurely.
31-35, F
