Why am I so scared to move away from my family?
Hiya, I'm 22 F and graduating in 3 months. I'm currently living at home with my parents, which is a good situation, but I feel as though I'm holding myself back from growing as an independent adult if I choose to keep living here. Its comfortable, familiar, and hard to leave. Rent where I live in California is extremely steep so it's likely I will have to move far away, maybe even to another state. The prospect of leaving my parents terrifies me, we are super close and I have never lived outside of my home city. I also feel really guilty about them missing me. Do you think it's important to move out, or should I live with my parents to save money and stay close? Does it get easier to be away from family? Based on what you feel, I'd say give it a try. I hate to leave my family home because I really love to be close to them, but moving away gives me so much opportunities and experiences that I cannot have when I stay with my parents. User AnonAndHappy explains it well - changes are so scary but when you are actually going through it, you are just so focused on the changes itself you forget to feel scared. Technology is so good nowadays, calls and video calls are so easy just in case you miss your family.. =) If you and your family are happy there is no reason to change the situation if you don’t want to. You don’t have to live your life to please or impress anyone else. Having said that, don’t let fear keep you from trying new things. Change is frequently scary but can lead to some really wonderful things. Well, I think no matter where you go, you will have the support of your family! I (24f) joined the military when I was 17 and looked forward to starting a new journey, even though I never really liked change and loved the fact that I knew every back road in my town, knew the people that worked at the market, had a routine life with my family that was happy and comfortable. Then when I joined the service, I was on my own and very far from my family. I focused all my time and energy on my own successes in my job and maintained a positve attitude which gained me countless friends and mentors. While I felt a bit like a lost puppy in a whole new city I had never been to, my "I can to do it if I put my mind to it!" attitude helped me not fear new places, people, or adventures. I think it's definetly natural to be scared to move away from your family - all of a sudden your lifelines are not within walking distance and you wouldn't even know how to get back to them if you could walk. Everything is new and unfamiliar, it's like being born. There's so much to learn!
I don't regret any of the places I've been, experiences I've had, and people I've met since moving out. Not to mention the personal growth that occurs when being truly independant. I would say it is vital to maintain a connection with your family through skype or fb often and to avoid being distant via communication. You will miss them alot, but you start to realize you've only just begun the adventure of your life, and can take comfort in knowing that you have started to write your own story. I have no regrets moving away from my family, even though I had the same feelings and fears as you. So I would say, go for it. Even if it's just for a year, they will be there to love and support you, and if it's not your cup of tea and you truly miss home, you can always go back! It also depends on what you view as success. Some count success in dollars some count it in contentment, others still, count it in spiritual fulfillment. I think you need introspection. Find out from yourself what 'holding yourself back' truly means. Are you comparing yourself to peers? Is it worth it? Can you be a successful adult while living with your parents? Why not? If upon introspection you find that you still think moving is a great idea, then there's comfort in knowing that you're not wrong to leave your parents behind to make a life for yourself. It's hard. It's taxing. But it gets better with time.
If you don't want to move away from your family and they are happy having you stay then you should stay. If I were to ever end up single I would live with my mom in a heartbeat. Not for financial reasons at all but because I would much rather live with family than alone. My kids are absolutely welcome to live here as long as they want to even if they want to forever.
Moving away from family is hard. You need to weigh the pros and cons of staying in state or moving out. If you move out you'll have the cost of moving, finding a place before you go, getting a job lined up before you go. There might be places in California that you can afford if you find the right job. You won't know what your options are if you don't start actively researching and looking at all your options. You can always get a roommate in your own state. See if there are spaces that provide work and living at the same gig.
Everybody deals with this sort of feelings your also 22 and your in your early adulthood where your adjusting to becoming more of an adult that’s nerve wrecking you’ll have doubts and all sorts of emotions but your going to be okay in fact if you didn’t have these feelings I’d be worried it’s a huge adjustment and you’ll have to give yourself time I bet though once you’ve built yourself a routine and schedule you’ll actually love being that independent I think fear and doubts and all that are just things you’ll have to talk with about to your family and friends and yes you’ll make mistakes and you’ll think on occasion what you could of done differently but hey your not prefect so don’t be so hard on yourself.
Step away, don’t engage, don’t let yourself be recruited, don’t engage in triangulation, let go of any expectations that your family will change. You want something that is not possible, and when you realize that, you can be sad, but know that you protected yourself, and the people you love. Don’t expose them to toxic people.
I realized as my toxic and abusive mother was passing that my sister enjoyed my deep desire for some kind of an apology from the person that made my life very scary. I noted my sister is very much and always has been deeply pleased in tormenting people. So, when my mom died, I extricated all the toxic family that carried on the family lies and/or perpetuated the abuse.
By acting amused and like they're silly and not taking it seriously, the way that one might deal with anger over trivial things from a child. Where possible, I ignore drama and don't let it interfere with me accomplishing my goals or enjoying things. GMIL is dramatic because she suffers a kind of Facebook-induced derangement about visiting where her grandkids live, but at the same time angry at me because I won't offer to fly her here first class so that she doesn't dent her considerable wealth? Oh well, let's let the kids have fun sending her a pretty Christmas card and say that we hope that she's been enjoying the autumn weather! I don't want them to feel deprived of a friendly relationship with a family member just because that one has some issues with peer pressure impacting her sanity.
I’ve noticed how my family members act early on in life and have kept to myself enough that I just don’t involve myself. I make contact on holidays and happy occasions and keep it light. I’ve also stopped most social media, so no one can involve me that way.
You don't handle family drama, you just manage your emotions, and maintain healthy boundaries. Everything else sorts itself out when you maximize your capacity for self-governance, as people will naturally weed themselves out of your life. Be ruthless with who is and isn't allowed in your life.
It’s kinda sad growing up and witnessing these. You’d think we are grown ups and family, why would we want to judge others etc. but nope.
I have an uncle who is always so serious about anything, from time to time still doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut, and simply enjoys making comments towards other ppl’s behaviour. Almost like talking to my parents and I like we are 5 year old. It’s so draining for me to witness this yet my mom, who is his younger sibling, isn’t saying anything. She prob feels it and knows it’s a fact of his brother that cannot be changed.
I'm 25, male and one of the biggest fears (sickness or death of close family member) just become real - few days ago my father (only 50 years old) had cerebral hemorrhage (brain stroke?). Strong headache followed by hallucinations and short term memory loss. He's now in a hospital and things that looked quite good ( he was in a good mood, making jokes and entertaining nurses and doctors, doctor said that there's nothing serious in his head (sorry for not using medical terms here)) just turned worse - this morning I've visited and brought some tulips for him to give to nurses (it's international woman's day and I thought, since he likes to flirt/joke with them, that would definitely cheer them and him up) and my mom when she visits, he could barely speak because of pain and medications. My bet is, that he also didn't want me to see him weak and in pain. Mother called later in tears and told that things really doesn't look good - even doctors are amazed that my father is still in relatively good shape, because his condition is really bad (once again, I don't know medical terms, but I think they found blood clots in his brain). He can't remember that I've visited him this morning...I don't know what to expect. I don't know if he can be "fixed". I don't know if there's hope that everything is going to be the fine or the damage is permanent and we will have to take care of him for the rest of his life. Or worse. Or I don't know. It seems too soon and I'm not ready and definitely not qualified to take care of my family.
I don't regret any of the places I've been, experiences I've had, and people I've met since moving out. Not to mention the personal growth that occurs when being truly independant. I would say it is vital to maintain a connection with your family through skype or fb often and to avoid being distant via communication. You will miss them alot, but you start to realize you've only just begun the adventure of your life, and can take comfort in knowing that you have started to write your own story. I have no regrets moving away from my family, even though I had the same feelings and fears as you. So I would say, go for it. Even if it's just for a year, they will be there to love and support you, and if it's not your cup of tea and you truly miss home, you can always go back! It also depends on what you view as success. Some count success in dollars some count it in contentment, others still, count it in spiritual fulfillment. I think you need introspection. Find out from yourself what 'holding yourself back' truly means. Are you comparing yourself to peers? Is it worth it? Can you be a successful adult while living with your parents? Why not? If upon introspection you find that you still think moving is a great idea, then there's comfort in knowing that you're not wrong to leave your parents behind to make a life for yourself. It's hard. It's taxing. But it gets better with time.
If you don't want to move away from your family and they are happy having you stay then you should stay. If I were to ever end up single I would live with my mom in a heartbeat. Not for financial reasons at all but because I would much rather live with family than alone. My kids are absolutely welcome to live here as long as they want to even if they want to forever.
Moving away from family is hard. You need to weigh the pros and cons of staying in state or moving out. If you move out you'll have the cost of moving, finding a place before you go, getting a job lined up before you go. There might be places in California that you can afford if you find the right job. You won't know what your options are if you don't start actively researching and looking at all your options. You can always get a roommate in your own state. See if there are spaces that provide work and living at the same gig.
Everybody deals with this sort of feelings your also 22 and your in your early adulthood where your adjusting to becoming more of an adult that’s nerve wrecking you’ll have doubts and all sorts of emotions but your going to be okay in fact if you didn’t have these feelings I’d be worried it’s a huge adjustment and you’ll have to give yourself time I bet though once you’ve built yourself a routine and schedule you’ll actually love being that independent I think fear and doubts and all that are just things you’ll have to talk with about to your family and friends and yes you’ll make mistakes and you’ll think on occasion what you could of done differently but hey your not prefect so don’t be so hard on yourself.
Step away, don’t engage, don’t let yourself be recruited, don’t engage in triangulation, let go of any expectations that your family will change. You want something that is not possible, and when you realize that, you can be sad, but know that you protected yourself, and the people you love. Don’t expose them to toxic people.
I realized as my toxic and abusive mother was passing that my sister enjoyed my deep desire for some kind of an apology from the person that made my life very scary. I noted my sister is very much and always has been deeply pleased in tormenting people. So, when my mom died, I extricated all the toxic family that carried on the family lies and/or perpetuated the abuse.
By acting amused and like they're silly and not taking it seriously, the way that one might deal with anger over trivial things from a child. Where possible, I ignore drama and don't let it interfere with me accomplishing my goals or enjoying things. GMIL is dramatic because she suffers a kind of Facebook-induced derangement about visiting where her grandkids live, but at the same time angry at me because I won't offer to fly her here first class so that she doesn't dent her considerable wealth? Oh well, let's let the kids have fun sending her a pretty Christmas card and say that we hope that she's been enjoying the autumn weather! I don't want them to feel deprived of a friendly relationship with a family member just because that one has some issues with peer pressure impacting her sanity.
I’ve noticed how my family members act early on in life and have kept to myself enough that I just don’t involve myself. I make contact on holidays and happy occasions and keep it light. I’ve also stopped most social media, so no one can involve me that way.
You don't handle family drama, you just manage your emotions, and maintain healthy boundaries. Everything else sorts itself out when you maximize your capacity for self-governance, as people will naturally weed themselves out of your life. Be ruthless with who is and isn't allowed in your life.
It’s kinda sad growing up and witnessing these. You’d think we are grown ups and family, why would we want to judge others etc. but nope.
I have an uncle who is always so serious about anything, from time to time still doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut, and simply enjoys making comments towards other ppl’s behaviour. Almost like talking to my parents and I like we are 5 year old. It’s so draining for me to witness this yet my mom, who is his younger sibling, isn’t saying anything. She prob feels it and knows it’s a fact of his brother that cannot be changed.
I'm 25, male and one of the biggest fears (sickness or death of close family member) just become real - few days ago my father (only 50 years old) had cerebral hemorrhage (brain stroke?). Strong headache followed by hallucinations and short term memory loss. He's now in a hospital and things that looked quite good ( he was in a good mood, making jokes and entertaining nurses and doctors, doctor said that there's nothing serious in his head (sorry for not using medical terms here)) just turned worse - this morning I've visited and brought some tulips for him to give to nurses (it's international woman's day and I thought, since he likes to flirt/joke with them, that would definitely cheer them and him up) and my mom when she visits, he could barely speak because of pain and medications. My bet is, that he also didn't want me to see him weak and in pain. Mother called later in tears and told that things really doesn't look good - even doctors are amazed that my father is still in relatively good shape, because his condition is really bad (once again, I don't know medical terms, but I think they found blood clots in his brain). He can't remember that I've visited him this morning...I don't know what to expect. I don't know if he can be "fixed". I don't know if there's hope that everything is going to be the fine or the damage is permanent and we will have to take care of him for the rest of his life. Or worse. Or I don't know. It seems too soon and I'm not ready and definitely not qualified to take care of my family.
