Stuck In The Past
I had a dream last night that he texted me back, wanted to see me. It was a relief. But it wasn't real. I'll never see him again, I think. Maybe that's good for me. I still fawn after him from time to time, but mostly I just get bitter and sad at the whole situation. It was almost a whole year ago, I can't believe that. And we haven't spoken. And I don't feel any better about what I'd done. Maybe it's not right or fair to put that weight on him. Maybe I don't need him to recover, but it'd be nice. I just want to be friends again.
I told him I didn't want this to be the last time we ever spoke, and he said it didn't have to be. But clearly it was, and he's changed his mind. He said he wished things had gone differently, that I deserve peace and clarity. I won't be getting that from him. I don't know what to do.
I always thought if I stayed clean, this would right itself and I'd get my job back. That never really helped me stay clean. I have to do it for me, for the life I have now. I need to put my faith and energy into today, into my future. I can't keep spending all my time thinking about my old job and how things could have or would have gone had I not started doing drugs at work. Had I not turned down the promotion, had I not isolated myself from my caring boss who just wanted to help me. Or had I even listened to the general warning they gave all of us last November that whoever was doing drugs will be caught and will be fired. I didn't know then they already knew it was me, they were giving me the opportunity to stop without altercation or confrontation. Weird. It was all so weird. Many people have offered me the sentiment that firing someone for their drug problem isn't right, but I'm on the fence about it. Nobody is in the business to keep me employed, they're in business to be in business. And an addict puts a stick in the wheel.
I told him I didn't want this to be the last time we ever spoke, and he said it didn't have to be. But clearly it was, and he's changed his mind. He said he wished things had gone differently, that I deserve peace and clarity. I won't be getting that from him. I don't know what to do.
I always thought if I stayed clean, this would right itself and I'd get my job back. That never really helped me stay clean. I have to do it for me, for the life I have now. I need to put my faith and energy into today, into my future. I can't keep spending all my time thinking about my old job and how things could have or would have gone had I not started doing drugs at work. Had I not turned down the promotion, had I not isolated myself from my caring boss who just wanted to help me. Or had I even listened to the general warning they gave all of us last November that whoever was doing drugs will be caught and will be fired. I didn't know then they already knew it was me, they were giving me the opportunity to stop without altercation or confrontation. Weird. It was all so weird. Many people have offered me the sentiment that firing someone for their drug problem isn't right, but I'm on the fence about it. Nobody is in the business to keep me employed, they're in business to be in business. And an addict puts a stick in the wheel.
26-30, M
