I Need to Vent
For those who would be concerned about me and wonder why I have become less active.
I guess I get completely mentally sick. In fact, I was always sick. It's like something inside me was broken when I was so young, maybe even earlier since I was born. I'm shattered. It's so hard for me to be happy. Happiness is too luxurious for me.
Every morning I stare at myself at the mirror, smiling, telling myself it's gonna be a nice day. In most of the normal time, I've been trying so hard to stay calm and be funny to make others happy so I could wallow in it, but now I just lost it. My depression or anxiety, whatever you would call it, eats me up so bad.
It expanded to my physically level. I don't only cry and rage, but also get heart throbbing, tingly nerves, breathing disorder, dizziness and headache. This is how MUCH I feel each time when I am agitated. I feel burning inside sometimes, and sometimes freezing. Everytime when I get back to normal, it feels like I have got a severe fever. It's so exhausting. Yesterday, I started to have some voices in head chasing one by one and made me so dizzy, I even lost balance while walking. Something got worse in me. I listened to some music to help soothing it. Music, any type of music, used to help me a whole lot. It has been my daily therapy since I was a kid. But yesterday, I found it hissed and fizzed, annoyingly, hurt my ears. I feel so disturbed... so I tried eating some chocolate like always. Chocolate has been my happy treatment as well. But I started feel nauseous consuming them. They don't work anymore, my very last aids do not work anymore. Perhaps I need a doctor and some pills. Pathetically, I can't afford. Pills can't truly help anyway, they merely inhibit the production of my negative emotion hormones which doesn't give me true happiness.
I always blamed it all on myself. Now I also want to blame my present as well for not aborting me like they did to my two sisters before me. I wasn't wanted anyway, I am even unwanted because of my condition. I hate myself, for being so fragile and uncontrollable emotional. I can't remember since when, almost everything became triggering and destructive to me. Being social inept and unable to express my feeling directly to others are just another bonus for me to hate myself more. To put it in a nutshell, I'm sad because I hate myself and I hate myself because I am sad. It's not like I don't know there are a lot of people suffering on things far worse than mine. Everyone has different entent of tolerance, mine is weak. I kinda have it enough. I feel fragile...and fatigued.
I used to be strong, strong enough to suppress my negative feeling when it attacked. I was so good at pretending I was fine when I was surrounded by people. Fake smiles, laughters and all. People didn't have to know whether I was sad inside, they don't. Because no one ever understands. I have been trying to explain so precisely how I actually feel to my few significant others. I cried for their rescues. Sadly, none of these few who know me better than everyone else is able to understand. Many people say "Don't be sad", "I'm sorry to hear it", "you will feel better soon". Quiet. Keep. Quiet. Quiet please. You know there is this kind of disability besides physically disable too? I'm mentally disable, a disable person. Would you go and tell a man who lost his legs spending his whole life on wheelchair "you will feel better soon"? No? Words can't help but hurt. Y'know? Save your kind words. I don't need any sympathy nor words like "I hope you will get better soon". Since it won't, never. It's only either getting worse or being stable. Don't tell me I need to talk to someone too. I don't want to when no one hears me and I'm tired of explaining myself. All I crave and what cure me are just some understandings and loves. Is that too much to ask?
Ironically, there are people don't believe in my depression because I got emotional too often. Some think this is just my tantrum, ignore it till I seem fine; while some have fun along with it just because it seems fun to see me get triggered so easily. Still, I have to thank you. Thanks for letting me know my depression is not bothering you alone but can bring you joy. Sometimes I wish to be seen by those people whenever my condition appears. So you would at least know how much do my body shivers terrify me.
I don't even know what I am even on about here. Dramatic much? You are the judges. This is not a guilt trap or anything. And don't worry, I won't commit suicide. I still care about plenty of people enough to live for them. I just want you to note that if my condition continues and someday I don't get online anymore without deactivation, you could go with the guess that I might have had a stroke and become paralysed, in all seriousness.
Thank you for caring about me enough to read it all.
I guess I get completely mentally sick. In fact, I was always sick. It's like something inside me was broken when I was so young, maybe even earlier since I was born. I'm shattered. It's so hard for me to be happy. Happiness is too luxurious for me.
Every morning I stare at myself at the mirror, smiling, telling myself it's gonna be a nice day. In most of the normal time, I've been trying so hard to stay calm and be funny to make others happy so I could wallow in it, but now I just lost it. My depression or anxiety, whatever you would call it, eats me up so bad.
It expanded to my physically level. I don't only cry and rage, but also get heart throbbing, tingly nerves, breathing disorder, dizziness and headache. This is how MUCH I feel each time when I am agitated. I feel burning inside sometimes, and sometimes freezing. Everytime when I get back to normal, it feels like I have got a severe fever. It's so exhausting. Yesterday, I started to have some voices in head chasing one by one and made me so dizzy, I even lost balance while walking. Something got worse in me. I listened to some music to help soothing it. Music, any type of music, used to help me a whole lot. It has been my daily therapy since I was a kid. But yesterday, I found it hissed and fizzed, annoyingly, hurt my ears. I feel so disturbed... so I tried eating some chocolate like always. Chocolate has been my happy treatment as well. But I started feel nauseous consuming them. They don't work anymore, my very last aids do not work anymore. Perhaps I need a doctor and some pills. Pathetically, I can't afford. Pills can't truly help anyway, they merely inhibit the production of my negative emotion hormones which doesn't give me true happiness.
I always blamed it all on myself. Now I also want to blame my present as well for not aborting me like they did to my two sisters before me. I wasn't wanted anyway, I am even unwanted because of my condition. I hate myself, for being so fragile and uncontrollable emotional. I can't remember since when, almost everything became triggering and destructive to me. Being social inept and unable to express my feeling directly to others are just another bonus for me to hate myself more. To put it in a nutshell, I'm sad because I hate myself and I hate myself because I am sad. It's not like I don't know there are a lot of people suffering on things far worse than mine. Everyone has different entent of tolerance, mine is weak. I kinda have it enough. I feel fragile...and fatigued.
I used to be strong, strong enough to suppress my negative feeling when it attacked. I was so good at pretending I was fine when I was surrounded by people. Fake smiles, laughters and all. People didn't have to know whether I was sad inside, they don't. Because no one ever understands. I have been trying to explain so precisely how I actually feel to my few significant others. I cried for their rescues. Sadly, none of these few who know me better than everyone else is able to understand. Many people say "Don't be sad", "I'm sorry to hear it", "you will feel better soon". Quiet. Keep. Quiet. Quiet please. You know there is this kind of disability besides physically disable too? I'm mentally disable, a disable person. Would you go and tell a man who lost his legs spending his whole life on wheelchair "you will feel better soon"? No? Words can't help but hurt. Y'know? Save your kind words. I don't need any sympathy nor words like "I hope you will get better soon". Since it won't, never. It's only either getting worse or being stable. Don't tell me I need to talk to someone too. I don't want to when no one hears me and I'm tired of explaining myself. All I crave and what cure me are just some understandings and loves. Is that too much to ask?
Ironically, there are people don't believe in my depression because I got emotional too often. Some think this is just my tantrum, ignore it till I seem fine; while some have fun along with it just because it seems fun to see me get triggered so easily. Still, I have to thank you. Thanks for letting me know my depression is not bothering you alone but can bring you joy. Sometimes I wish to be seen by those people whenever my condition appears. So you would at least know how much do my body shivers terrify me.
I don't even know what I am even on about here. Dramatic much? You are the judges. This is not a guilt trap or anything. And don't worry, I won't commit suicide. I still care about plenty of people enough to live for them. I just want you to note that if my condition continues and someday I don't get online anymore without deactivation, you could go with the guess that I might have had a stroke and become paralysed, in all seriousness.
Thank you for caring about me enough to read it all.
