Emotional work, a long vent.
I wasn't a spoiled child but I mostly had what I needed. I was fortunate in that way.
Emotionally however I was left to do the work not just for myself, but for my parents, members of my family, my (ex) marriage and my exbf. My exbf is the one who finally broke me. Any time I was crying, defeated, exhausted, all he did was stand there stiff, cold, expressionless, hands in pockets.
It hurt so much but that also led me to realize my ability to do the emotional work means I'm depended upon to do it all by myself. It probably wouldn't have drained me completely if any of them had provided me with some kind of safety and consistency. I got scraps and intermittent inclusion, still though it depended on their mood. Which left me in charge to figure them out, supply them with enough and empty myself for them, to be told I'm not enough.
I'm just tired now. Confused. And a little angry that in 42 years I've been called sensitive 800 bazillion times, but it never occurred to any of them how much of a super power that could be if I wasn't stuck using it to manage their energy. Soothe them. Reassure them. Be there every time. Listen. Accept. Agree. Ask all the questions. Admit I'm wrong when I'm not to keep the peace. Encourage them when they have opportunities I'll never have. I AM EXHAUSTED.
Along the way there was so much shame. My parents always wanted to toughen me up. And I did toughen up, but it cost me my quality of life and my softness. It was dangerous, stupid even. I'm just alone now trying to fix the damage my son's dad does as he's doing it. That is my life. I have no big dreams, I can't make plans, I can't have a life and my nervous system is broken. The pain is the the only consistency I've ever known. It's endless, thankless, invisible, hard work. I feel strong and tough sure, but I'm not any less sensitive or caring.
I used to believe it would change but instead I've developed my own security system in myself. Not without error. All so I can be the best Mom possible. It's not even about me at all. My pain, my feelings, and my talents and unique abilities too, don't matter at all.
I always had so much to give and now I keep most of it to myself. I look at other people/dynamics and I see, yes people can be sweet and do/accept kind things for/from each other. I'm not a butthole because I have needs. I just want enough to reciprocate and do what I'm good at. It's not grandiose or dramatic, it's very simple. But I also feel like asking for so little is pathetic, especially since I was made to feel like my little asks were too much.
I am so very content to walk the beach and do things separate from people. I can still feel their insecurities and judgements but it falls to my feet. I am no longer carrying people's issues with me, with me. If I am too this or not enough that, cool. If I'm not worth it, cool. I have myself and I manage my sensitivity by just staying away, because I'm not going to choke on my truth so people can coldcock my heart for caring.
There are still lights shining. A few here on SW, a few from my past. I've not given up on my kindness or the kindness of others. I give my love. But I'm not chasing it, I can't, I'm not the emotional Olympian I used to be. I could of won the gold if we lived in an emotionally capable world but that's unlikely to ever happen.
Emotionally however I was left to do the work not just for myself, but for my parents, members of my family, my (ex) marriage and my exbf. My exbf is the one who finally broke me. Any time I was crying, defeated, exhausted, all he did was stand there stiff, cold, expressionless, hands in pockets.
It hurt so much but that also led me to realize my ability to do the emotional work means I'm depended upon to do it all by myself. It probably wouldn't have drained me completely if any of them had provided me with some kind of safety and consistency. I got scraps and intermittent inclusion, still though it depended on their mood. Which left me in charge to figure them out, supply them with enough and empty myself for them, to be told I'm not enough.
I'm just tired now. Confused. And a little angry that in 42 years I've been called sensitive 800 bazillion times, but it never occurred to any of them how much of a super power that could be if I wasn't stuck using it to manage their energy. Soothe them. Reassure them. Be there every time. Listen. Accept. Agree. Ask all the questions. Admit I'm wrong when I'm not to keep the peace. Encourage them when they have opportunities I'll never have. I AM EXHAUSTED.
Along the way there was so much shame. My parents always wanted to toughen me up. And I did toughen up, but it cost me my quality of life and my softness. It was dangerous, stupid even. I'm just alone now trying to fix the damage my son's dad does as he's doing it. That is my life. I have no big dreams, I can't make plans, I can't have a life and my nervous system is broken. The pain is the the only consistency I've ever known. It's endless, thankless, invisible, hard work. I feel strong and tough sure, but I'm not any less sensitive or caring.
I used to believe it would change but instead I've developed my own security system in myself. Not without error. All so I can be the best Mom possible. It's not even about me at all. My pain, my feelings, and my talents and unique abilities too, don't matter at all.
I always had so much to give and now I keep most of it to myself. I look at other people/dynamics and I see, yes people can be sweet and do/accept kind things for/from each other. I'm not a butthole because I have needs. I just want enough to reciprocate and do what I'm good at. It's not grandiose or dramatic, it's very simple. But I also feel like asking for so little is pathetic, especially since I was made to feel like my little asks were too much.
I am so very content to walk the beach and do things separate from people. I can still feel their insecurities and judgements but it falls to my feet. I am no longer carrying people's issues with me, with me. If I am too this or not enough that, cool. If I'm not worth it, cool. I have myself and I manage my sensitivity by just staying away, because I'm not going to choke on my truth so people can coldcock my heart for caring.
There are still lights shining. A few here on SW, a few from my past. I've not given up on my kindness or the kindness of others. I give my love. But I'm not chasing it, I can't, I'm not the emotional Olympian I used to be. I could of won the gold if we lived in an emotionally capable world but that's unlikely to ever happen.
