He acts like he hates it here. (A long vent. If you don't care, don't read it, I have every right to exist though)
I don't charge him rent, he has a big room to himself, he's close to his son, I don't ask for money for service work or septic pumping or propane or help with our son's needs and bills. I give him his space and I'm cordial, even share homemade meals with him a few nights a week.
Instead of seeing the good or appreciating the best being made of the situation, he's defensive and miserable.
I don't know what to do with the guy. He's the father of my child, not only does our son need him, but I can't do everything alone.
He's not going to live very long. His health is poor and he won't take care of himself. So eventually it will be another loss, one that will destroy our son.
We've been divorced ten years. I actually can't stand him, but I had/have to do the right thing for my sweet boy.
I get so sad sometimes. In a decade all I've attracted is awful, abusive, using men. Nobody I truly like or care for ever wants me. I've provided and given so much of myself I'm depleted, so if something healthy came along, I'd be too weak to build again. And I know nobody is going to come into my life with a heart so big they'd love my son and I both.
So often my son is the reason no one will get closer to me. It makes me so angry. My son is awesome. IDGAF people don't like kids, it's almost monstrous if you ask me. But I have to hold that in because people are allowed their preferences.
But I will never put anyone before my son.
I never imagined I'd be in this situation. I always try to do what's honest and most best for everyone. I am losing on this deal. I'm fading even as I grow stronger. The lack of real life/real time affection and love slowly chips away at my heart. The release of hope felt involuntary, but I'm pissed I'm losing steam. I'm losing passion and humor, the things that made me who I am. I don't even know what I'm losing to anymore.
People keep saying the battle is with myself, but I like myself and I want to share, love, laugh and fuck. I'm right here, a little beat up but bright eyed and bushy tailed. If it's my fault, it's for needing to go slow. To water the seed and feed the soil and grow. I treat every relationship/friendship with that respect. And yeah it's a little difficult for me after what I've been through. Something else I know nobody cares about, so they can assume my caution is offensive or too much/not enough.
I don't know. My heart is drifting places. Gathering and sharing what it can within the boundaries and limits of others.
I should like to be chosen one day. For real. For who I am. Believed in and trusted and treated with respect. But I won't waste a moment on hope. I'll dream but I will try to never be disappointed.
I am a good person. Nobody's favorite. As some like to remind me, I'm the outsider, like it makes me less.
I know who I am though. I know the amazing things I can do along with the difficult things I do every day to get by. I am love. I am fucking sexy. Creative and caring.
I'm not less than. I deserve to be held as much as anyone does.
I'm just, going. I always keep going.
Instead of seeing the good or appreciating the best being made of the situation, he's defensive and miserable.
I don't know what to do with the guy. He's the father of my child, not only does our son need him, but I can't do everything alone.
He's not going to live very long. His health is poor and he won't take care of himself. So eventually it will be another loss, one that will destroy our son.
We've been divorced ten years. I actually can't stand him, but I had/have to do the right thing for my sweet boy.
I get so sad sometimes. In a decade all I've attracted is awful, abusive, using men. Nobody I truly like or care for ever wants me. I've provided and given so much of myself I'm depleted, so if something healthy came along, I'd be too weak to build again. And I know nobody is going to come into my life with a heart so big they'd love my son and I both.
So often my son is the reason no one will get closer to me. It makes me so angry. My son is awesome. IDGAF people don't like kids, it's almost monstrous if you ask me. But I have to hold that in because people are allowed their preferences.
But I will never put anyone before my son.
I never imagined I'd be in this situation. I always try to do what's honest and most best for everyone. I am losing on this deal. I'm fading even as I grow stronger. The lack of real life/real time affection and love slowly chips away at my heart. The release of hope felt involuntary, but I'm pissed I'm losing steam. I'm losing passion and humor, the things that made me who I am. I don't even know what I'm losing to anymore.
People keep saying the battle is with myself, but I like myself and I want to share, love, laugh and fuck. I'm right here, a little beat up but bright eyed and bushy tailed. If it's my fault, it's for needing to go slow. To water the seed and feed the soil and grow. I treat every relationship/friendship with that respect. And yeah it's a little difficult for me after what I've been through. Something else I know nobody cares about, so they can assume my caution is offensive or too much/not enough.
I don't know. My heart is drifting places. Gathering and sharing what it can within the boundaries and limits of others.
I should like to be chosen one day. For real. For who I am. Believed in and trusted and treated with respect. But I won't waste a moment on hope. I'll dream but I will try to never be disappointed.
I am a good person. Nobody's favorite. As some like to remind me, I'm the outsider, like it makes me less.
I know who I am though. I know the amazing things I can do along with the difficult things I do every day to get by. I am love. I am fucking sexy. Creative and caring.
I'm not less than. I deserve to be held as much as anyone does.
I'm just, going. I always keep going.
