I really wish I could be a more positive person, it's just gotten so extremely hard to smile through pain.

I want more value in my life but I'm always trying to manage pain and being a single parent without a family at all. It doesn't leave any energy for the things that would feel purposeful. I used to volunteer and be the person everyone counted on , I always pulled through. I worked men's jobs and busted my butt trying to prove I could do all these different trades.

Now I'm starting fear I might be developing agoraphobia or at least similar issues.

I did fight it. I pushed myself to go explore the country and talk to all kinds of people. I'm to the point I simply can't be that person though.

It doesn't help I live in a wealthy and harshly judgemental area. Or that my body won't function like it used to.

It's sad.

It's hard to not feel depressed when all the care you gave meant nothing to anyone. Or as we like to blame covid, just about the time I needed help, the world decided it was done with community and caring.

Being forced to accept that my friends, my docs, my therapist now have 80 foot walls around them was heartbreaking.

I don't matter. I likely never did but I know how to love and I did love. Love was my religion.

Now I'm just alone and my personality has slowly deteriorated into something people actively avoid.

I can't find positivity. I'm too depleted to create it from the crap I was given. So now I'm a nobody.

I'm still a grateful person. I know how good I have it in ways and I appreciate that. It's very hard to never share though. Even if someone would simply stop by for tea it'd mean so much. Instead I get treated like the mean old witch.

I still won't give up. I don't know why I think anyone would want to understand me when they can just say ew and ignore me. But I'll never give up.