Grieving the Person I could've been
I’m just now realizing that when horrible things happen to you they actually affect you, and it’s obviously upsetting me. I’m 20, and a few months ago I ‘escaped’ from a horrifyingly abusive relationship. I’ll refer to this person as Star, since that was the nickname I gave him. I live in a small town, and I always had a tight knit group of four best friends my entire life. (Star was a part of said group) Anyway, 6 years ago me and Star started seeing each other in secret, and I really felt like I’d found the one.
I’ll not ramble on and on but our lives became deeply intertwined and intimate very quickly. I’ve always struggled with self image stuff and depression but Star helped me push through it like no one else could, until about a year ago. He started drinking more, he became violent, rude, angry and began to do things I’m not sure I’m allowed to say. I protected him, since I still loved him and didn't want to get him in trouble for what he was doing to me.
However, eventually my friends found out.
Now obviously I knew the things Star was doing to me were horribly wrong, I’d almost died multiple times, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. However, at the moment it’s so difficult to act like it. It always felt like it was fine because it was happening to me, and I didn’t matter, so it was fine. Once my friends had found out what he’d been doing to me they were obviously upset, they felt horrible that it’d been happening just under their noses. So they cut off both me and Star.
What?
To cut to the chase, all three of these people as far as I know are living their best lives while I struggle to recover from things I didn’t even consider possible to happen to someone. I find myself questioning all the time what I did to deserve such treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, far from it. I was clingy, insecure, and sensitive. But I don’t think I deserved allat. It’s frustrating to see my career, education, dreams, hobbies all slowly die out because of this. I wonder all the time what kind of person I’d be. Some things are the same, like I still try to be polite and I still do my best to look on the bright side of things. But my career slowed to a halt, I couldn't volunteer anymore, I haven't created any type of art in months. I’ve become a timid, scared person, who’s just a shadow of their former self. sorry if this is too detailed or too long
I’ll not ramble on and on but our lives became deeply intertwined and intimate very quickly. I’ve always struggled with self image stuff and depression but Star helped me push through it like no one else could, until about a year ago. He started drinking more, he became violent, rude, angry and began to do things I’m not sure I’m allowed to say. I protected him, since I still loved him and didn't want to get him in trouble for what he was doing to me.
However, eventually my friends found out.
Now obviously I knew the things Star was doing to me were horribly wrong, I’d almost died multiple times, it doesn't take a genius to figure that out. However, at the moment it’s so difficult to act like it. It always felt like it was fine because it was happening to me, and I didn’t matter, so it was fine. Once my friends had found out what he’d been doing to me they were obviously upset, they felt horrible that it’d been happening just under their noses. So they cut off both me and Star.
What?
To cut to the chase, all three of these people as far as I know are living their best lives while I struggle to recover from things I didn’t even consider possible to happen to someone. I find myself questioning all the time what I did to deserve such treatment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not perfect, far from it. I was clingy, insecure, and sensitive. But I don’t think I deserved allat. It’s frustrating to see my career, education, dreams, hobbies all slowly die out because of this. I wonder all the time what kind of person I’d be. Some things are the same, like I still try to be polite and I still do my best to look on the bright side of things. But my career slowed to a halt, I couldn't volunteer anymore, I haven't created any type of art in months. I’ve become a timid, scared person, who’s just a shadow of their former self. sorry if this is too detailed or too long
18-21New
