no matter what i do i feel guilty
No one probably cares anyway but idk.
so everything started at summer, 2025. me and a friend of mine who i dont talk to anymore went to a con. i asked a couple people for signatures and started talking to this guy and i got his number. long story short i met him again in winter. (so for info, im 13 and he is 19). After that i noticed ive been having intense anxiety about him and maybe its not really important but i started doing sh because i never feel good enough for hi and i dont think he really likes me. anytime i try to talk to anyone about it they always say "the age gap is weird" or that i need to just stop talking to him, but i just really cant. i can never stop thinking about him, for fucks sake hes like a father figure to me, but whenever he doesnt pick up the phone or when i dissapoint him, i always end up either trying to choke myself with a rope, cutting myself or throwing shit around. i never feel im good enough and i just want him to say he loves me and im so tired of everyone telling me that hes a pedo which he is not, in fact i know he doesnt like me but ive never felt so alone before, i have no real friends anymore, i just want someone to take care of things for me and im so tired of that hes the only person i like atp because no one just gaf about me anymore and when ive tried telling him i want to kms he just says to not do it, but the thing is that anyone who tells me to not do it never hasa reason for me to not kms which isnt selfish. its always that my friends will miss me but ive got no friends to miss me anymore. its always so he wouldnt feel guilty because he calls himself my father figure and doesnt try to help. i know i might not deserve to be treated the way i do, but he never asked to talk to me. its my fault i got so attached and genuenly this is hell. i dont want to live anymore. i think im cursed and i think i will never be as happy as i used to be. i just miss my friend so much. i wish i had real frieds to go out with and do stuff like i used to but all i do is just sit in my room and rot all day.i just wish i could tell him ive written so many songs about him, i just wish i could have someone who i could tell anything to. no one likes me. ive been told that i should go kms more times than that i matter anything. i dont know what i did to deserve this.
so everything started at summer, 2025. me and a friend of mine who i dont talk to anymore went to a con. i asked a couple people for signatures and started talking to this guy and i got his number. long story short i met him again in winter. (so for info, im 13 and he is 19). After that i noticed ive been having intense anxiety about him and maybe its not really important but i started doing sh because i never feel good enough for hi and i dont think he really likes me. anytime i try to talk to anyone about it they always say "the age gap is weird" or that i need to just stop talking to him, but i just really cant. i can never stop thinking about him, for fucks sake hes like a father figure to me, but whenever he doesnt pick up the phone or when i dissapoint him, i always end up either trying to choke myself with a rope, cutting myself or throwing shit around. i never feel im good enough and i just want him to say he loves me and im so tired of everyone telling me that hes a pedo which he is not, in fact i know he doesnt like me but ive never felt so alone before, i have no real friends anymore, i just want someone to take care of things for me and im so tired of that hes the only person i like atp because no one just gaf about me anymore and when ive tried telling him i want to kms he just says to not do it, but the thing is that anyone who tells me to not do it never hasa reason for me to not kms which isnt selfish. its always that my friends will miss me but ive got no friends to miss me anymore. its always so he wouldnt feel guilty because he calls himself my father figure and doesnt try to help. i know i might not deserve to be treated the way i do, but he never asked to talk to me. its my fault i got so attached and genuenly this is hell. i dont want to live anymore. i think im cursed and i think i will never be as happy as i used to be. i just miss my friend so much. i wish i had real frieds to go out with and do stuff like i used to but all i do is just sit in my room and rot all day.i just wish i could tell him ive written so many songs about him, i just wish i could have someone who i could tell anything to. no one likes me. ive been told that i should go kms more times than that i matter anything. i dont know what i did to deserve this.
13-15New
