I can count on my family to not show up.

I can count on them to lie and pretend.

I can count on extremely poor communication.

Even when one of them acts like they care, I can count on that small feeling of safety to be taken away almost instantly.

I can count on being insulted and left out.

I can count on indifference.

I can count on them to always put themselves first.

And I can count on them to abuse my kindness and throw it in my face, like I'm stupid.

For the rest of my life, I will have no one to trust. And I've been trying to let that sink in for a long time even though I know it isn't okay. I thought, I'll get stronger if I learn to be alone and live with the pain.

But it just made me a shit person.

99.9% of you happily gloss over and dismiss me as crazy. Perpetuating the belief that there's no hope.

I'm working on letting humans go. Because I don't think I can stop caring about others, it's better to push them all away.

It's just, I know it will hurt for the rest of my life and I didn't want that to affect my son.

But I think most of you would watch him die and feel sorry for yourselves. Even the "good" people who just don't want to get involved.

I sometimes wish this misery on others and see it as no different than people avoiding me because of my truth. I didn't want to be like you. Fuckers.