When it comes to mental health, I have tried many things.

Some worked, some worked for awhile, some didn't work and some made it worse.

It's all very personal to the individual.

But I've been on this "getting better" journey for a long time (decades) and while I have made improvements, it's not enough.

I'm starting to believe there is simply something deeply wrong with me. Something there is no way to fix. Something that makes me incredibly unlikable and perpetuates the issue of how I repel people.

I want to look into autism but I was informed it's not covered by insurance and very expensive.

Something just isn't right. I'm smart, educated, fun and caring. It doesn't feel like whatever is wrong with me is severe.

But whatever it is, it keeps people away. So many people flipping HATE me and I don't understand what I did.

And I used to be such good energy! I used to have plenty of friends and acquaintances every where I went.

It got really bad after my parents died. Especially my mom, and then her husband stole my inheritance and my family ditched me because they're awful, greedy people. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia the same year.

My entire life fell apart. My understanding of family. My trust was broken along with my heart.

And I've never been the same. I've never been so alone.

But nobody stuck by me. Nobody understood how I hurt and took it personally. I didn't have the strength to keep telling them it wasn't about them and I was too messed up to make them happy.

Nobody understood I have fibromyalgia and I'm exhausted and hurting 24/7 and I couldn't push through it for them. I couldn't drink anymore or go to loud places full of people.

I have been painfully alone since. Unable to trust that someone would stick by me. In addition to already being too outspoken, too much/not enough, I am exhausted by others who want from me what I don't have.

Of course I wouldn't expect anyone to come along and know or give me what I need, but I'm too depleted to provide enough for others so they feel okay to reciprocate. I can't play human well. No matter how kind hearted or passionate, strong and caring, I have been shown I'm not worth it over and over.

I got left behind and I've come to accept that is my role. To perpetually be excluded and not understand why.