Just some complaining
I do not belong with either side of my family. I was estranged from my dad's side for years until he died. I became estranged from my mom's side when she died. Both sides made me feel awful for taking space from them, and both sides have been even more awful to me since I've tried to be a part of their lives again.
I was right to ghost them. I know without a doubt that I was good to them. I loved them and always showed up even though they left me out and treated me poorly.
I deserved compassion and support, and instead they ghosted me. I didn't ghost them first. I tried everything to deserve their love but it was never enough. I took space because I was hurting so badly and they didn't care, didn't even check on me. They excluded me over and over.
It was easier to deal with everything alone.
Recently because of some health problems with a family member I decided to put it all aside and help them. I couldn't stop myself. I can't make myself not care even when I try. And the same thing is happening again.
For being a good person, I am their enemy.
Nevermind all the lies, cover-ups, molestation, stealing, cheating omg these people are a royal mess. All I've done is cook, clean, give, care, organize, advocate and relentlessly show up. But I am the enemy.
No.
They are wrong. I always deserved to be treated better. Even before I desperately tried to earn my place in my own family, I deserved their love and care. After all the work I've put into caring for them while asking for nothing, I'm the bad guy. I don't understand at all.
This hurts SO much. Not that I'm necessarily hurt that they are out doing themselves being jerks to me. It hurts because I let them. Again and again.
It does help me understand some of my toxic traits and why I'm so kind I'm literally a door mat. I'm lonely and empty in the part of my heart that should feel safe and warm.
I do hate my family. I love them and I hate them. I'll never stop loving them, I can't. They have hurt me in ways that have made my life very difficult and stunted me emotionally. They have cost me more than I can ever hope to get back. And I've eaten the blame and shame trying to recover and move on. All the pain I've felt, trying to trust the wrong people because I don't know what it is supposed to feel like to be truly loved. All the therapy and workbooks and meds and behavioral centers, all the cuts on my arms now covered up by tattoos just so I can forget how much my life has hurt.
I'm not playing the victim. I am a fighter and this is my truth.
I guess it had to hurt one more time for me to finally understand, there is no hope. I have no family. I don't know how I am who I am but I'm just thankful I'm not like them. They are lost souls. Desperate and selfish. They're pathetic really. I bet somewhere deep down they know that. Perhaps they resent me for not being a piece of shit too.
It will end soon. I am too old and been through too much alone to continue being their scapegoat. I'm too strong now to be the weak, dependent person I was when I needed their acceptance.
Soon I will leave and never look back. I will sleep through the nights and the anxiety and fear will drain from my spirit. I will be healthy and happy in my own skin again soon.
I, without a single doubt, did everything I could. So I can live with being the enemy in their book. They can write what they want about me, or they can erase me completely. It won't matter.
I know what I'm made of and it's not them.
I was right to ghost them. I know without a doubt that I was good to them. I loved them and always showed up even though they left me out and treated me poorly.
I deserved compassion and support, and instead they ghosted me. I didn't ghost them first. I tried everything to deserve their love but it was never enough. I took space because I was hurting so badly and they didn't care, didn't even check on me. They excluded me over and over.
It was easier to deal with everything alone.
Recently because of some health problems with a family member I decided to put it all aside and help them. I couldn't stop myself. I can't make myself not care even when I try. And the same thing is happening again.
For being a good person, I am their enemy.
Nevermind all the lies, cover-ups, molestation, stealing, cheating omg these people are a royal mess. All I've done is cook, clean, give, care, organize, advocate and relentlessly show up. But I am the enemy.
No.
They are wrong. I always deserved to be treated better. Even before I desperately tried to earn my place in my own family, I deserved their love and care. After all the work I've put into caring for them while asking for nothing, I'm the bad guy. I don't understand at all.
This hurts SO much. Not that I'm necessarily hurt that they are out doing themselves being jerks to me. It hurts because I let them. Again and again.
It does help me understand some of my toxic traits and why I'm so kind I'm literally a door mat. I'm lonely and empty in the part of my heart that should feel safe and warm.
I do hate my family. I love them and I hate them. I'll never stop loving them, I can't. They have hurt me in ways that have made my life very difficult and stunted me emotionally. They have cost me more than I can ever hope to get back. And I've eaten the blame and shame trying to recover and move on. All the pain I've felt, trying to trust the wrong people because I don't know what it is supposed to feel like to be truly loved. All the therapy and workbooks and meds and behavioral centers, all the cuts on my arms now covered up by tattoos just so I can forget how much my life has hurt.
I'm not playing the victim. I am a fighter and this is my truth.
I guess it had to hurt one more time for me to finally understand, there is no hope. I have no family. I don't know how I am who I am but I'm just thankful I'm not like them. They are lost souls. Desperate and selfish. They're pathetic really. I bet somewhere deep down they know that. Perhaps they resent me for not being a piece of shit too.
It will end soon. I am too old and been through too much alone to continue being their scapegoat. I'm too strong now to be the weak, dependent person I was when I needed their acceptance.
Soon I will leave and never look back. I will sleep through the nights and the anxiety and fear will drain from my spirit. I will be healthy and happy in my own skin again soon.
I, without a single doubt, did everything I could. So I can live with being the enemy in their book. They can write what they want about me, or they can erase me completely. It won't matter.
I know what I'm made of and it's not them.
41-45, F
