If anyone could spend one day inside me, they might understand, I don't mean to be so unlikable.
And given a chance, even though I might require patience, if I knew I wouldn't be ditched soon, I could be a positive in their life.
But I struggle. Not for lack of trying, but endlessly trying and not being enough for the demands in my life.
When I try to be understood, I make it worse. I'm not what people need. I'm not a supply of anything and if I try to explain, they think I'm giving up, but this is just my life. It sucks and I get through. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't give up, it's just not a happy story. I'm not the positivity people need.
And I don't even care about what I need. I just love people for their good. I see it and embrace it to my own detriment at times.
I am a sensitive person, so I'm allegedly weak. Even if I explain what I've been through, my strength is invisible. It's seen as whining. So I have no way to give people insight about me.
All of me is not enough. My words and actions are moot because I am me.
I'm not asking for friends. I'm not asking for help. I'm not asking for anything. I just want to exist and make people laugh and make ethical choices. I stand up against discrimination, I stand up for kids and elderly. I put my heart into these things every day. So sometimes I need to vent. I don't ask for permission to share. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I don't grasp social cues and rules, I just let myself hang out.
Here I am, venting again. Which will mean more people I care for blocking me. Because I say the wrong things. I'm a bit drained and talking here makes me feel like I exist. But because I exist, I am an annoyance.
On the bright side, there are a few people who share and laugh with me. A few people who understand I am capable and genuine and mean no harm. Those people know who they are because they're likely reading this and not feeling pity or disgust, they simply care. That's more than I've ever asked for and I appreciate those who see me as someone worth being around.
One day there will be a benefit to knowing me. I have plans and am constantly seeking better. Even if it's not apparent, it's always happening underneath. And there will come a day when I can share better stuff. And I will never forget the people who didn't ditch me because I had hard times 🖤
But I struggle. Not for lack of trying, but endlessly trying and not being enough for the demands in my life.
When I try to be understood, I make it worse. I'm not what people need. I'm not a supply of anything and if I try to explain, they think I'm giving up, but this is just my life. It sucks and I get through. I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't give up, it's just not a happy story. I'm not the positivity people need.
And I don't even care about what I need. I just love people for their good. I see it and embrace it to my own detriment at times.
I am a sensitive person, so I'm allegedly weak. Even if I explain what I've been through, my strength is invisible. It's seen as whining. So I have no way to give people insight about me.
All of me is not enough. My words and actions are moot because I am me.
I'm not asking for friends. I'm not asking for help. I'm not asking for anything. I just want to exist and make people laugh and make ethical choices. I stand up against discrimination, I stand up for kids and elderly. I put my heart into these things every day. So sometimes I need to vent. I don't ask for permission to share. Maybe that's what is wrong with me. I don't grasp social cues and rules, I just let myself hang out.
Here I am, venting again. Which will mean more people I care for blocking me. Because I say the wrong things. I'm a bit drained and talking here makes me feel like I exist. But because I exist, I am an annoyance.
On the bright side, there are a few people who share and laugh with me. A few people who understand I am capable and genuine and mean no harm. Those people know who they are because they're likely reading this and not feeling pity or disgust, they simply care. That's more than I've ever asked for and I appreciate those who see me as someone worth being around.
One day there will be a benefit to knowing me. I have plans and am constantly seeking better. Even if it's not apparent, it's always happening underneath. And there will come a day when I can share better stuff. And I will never forget the people who didn't ditch me because I had hard times 🖤
41-45, F
