Complaining: Tonight was supposed to be my night to sleep...
I have no work, no doc appt today, just therapy, so I thought I could get well rested and take care of some chores that have piled up. Instead I got woken up at 0130 by my ex-husband/son's dad choking and slamming doors. He seems to think it's normal to stop breathing in your sleep. I made sure he was okay and never got back to sleep. It's been raining for three days straight and I am so sleep deprived I think it's making me angry.
The guy I'm supposedly dating is all stressed out about his addict brother and is shutting me out. I have been nothing but supportive but I'm not going to get involved heavily because his family is pretty screwed up. I know from dealing with them before they have no issues being dishonest and cheating.
I had to reschedule my oncologist appointment to find out the results because I just couldn't spend four hours on my ass driving today. I'm afraid of how tired I am.
I've been sick for almost three weeks now, my body can't fight off whatever this crud is and it's dragging me down physically and mentally.
I'm bitching. I'm exhausted and sick and nobody cares. They just want me to carry the load I always do. I'm trying to hold onto thoughts that it will get better. I don't even have the energy or care to cry. I want to back on track so badly. I want to work on the house and get it sold so we can move onto better things. For me to get help it'll cost money which I don't have. I can't work enough because I have no help with my son.
I'm trying to find the solution. I'm trying to be patient and positive. I understand help is not coming and I will at minimum need surgery. I have to find a way to work through it so I can pay my bills. The little help I had trump keeps taking away. Prices keep going up and houses aren't selling because the whole country is feeling the pain of his idiocracy.
Things need to get better.
Empty promises need to stop.
I just don't have it in me to keep being an island even though that's the only choice I have.
I feel beyond my breaking point and I'm just waiting for it all to crap in my face.
I know complaining doesn't resolve anything. I just need to feel like I exist. Like if I was gone someone would notice because they cared, not just because I wasn't doing what they wanted or needed.
And people laugh at me. People I thought were friends. Over political shit. Like it even matters anymore.
Does anything really matter once you're at the bottom? Once you're garbage to other people and society? Once you've been in survival mode so long your body is wrecked? Nobody will ever care about us.
The guy I'm supposedly dating is all stressed out about his addict brother and is shutting me out. I have been nothing but supportive but I'm not going to get involved heavily because his family is pretty screwed up. I know from dealing with them before they have no issues being dishonest and cheating.
I had to reschedule my oncologist appointment to find out the results because I just couldn't spend four hours on my ass driving today. I'm afraid of how tired I am.
I've been sick for almost three weeks now, my body can't fight off whatever this crud is and it's dragging me down physically and mentally.
I'm bitching. I'm exhausted and sick and nobody cares. They just want me to carry the load I always do. I'm trying to hold onto thoughts that it will get better. I don't even have the energy or care to cry. I want to back on track so badly. I want to work on the house and get it sold so we can move onto better things. For me to get help it'll cost money which I don't have. I can't work enough because I have no help with my son.
I'm trying to find the solution. I'm trying to be patient and positive. I understand help is not coming and I will at minimum need surgery. I have to find a way to work through it so I can pay my bills. The little help I had trump keeps taking away. Prices keep going up and houses aren't selling because the whole country is feeling the pain of his idiocracy.
Things need to get better.
Empty promises need to stop.
I just don't have it in me to keep being an island even though that's the only choice I have.
I feel beyond my breaking point and I'm just waiting for it all to crap in my face.
I know complaining doesn't resolve anything. I just need to feel like I exist. Like if I was gone someone would notice because they cared, not just because I wasn't doing what they wanted or needed.
And people laugh at me. People I thought were friends. Over political shit. Like it even matters anymore.
Does anything really matter once you're at the bottom? Once you're garbage to other people and society? Once you've been in survival mode so long your body is wrecked? Nobody will ever care about us.
41-45, F
