Need to vent

I’ve been dating my bf for 3 years. He tried to break up with me every time we had a fight in the first year, we would fight because he was lusting over girls online, and it would be my fault for not respecting his privacy, he also liked bikini photos on insta and he deleted the app because I found out. Then I discovered he had a secret instagram that he blocked me in it, confronted him about it he said it was my fault for making him delete the old one. But I never told him to, he went into the bathroom and deleted the whole thing when I asked to see what was in there. I don’t trust him no more, we still fight and when we do he always curses me out, then says he’s sorry and will treat me like a queen for next day, then go back to being shitty. I know what people think “just break up” “you deserve better, just leave” and I couldn’t for years, but I’m starting to want to be loved, and I don’t feel loved with him. I feel like I am waiting for the next fight, because he will try to break up and then I’ll just say ok but it never happens, I feel like he’s scared of me leaving and won’t break up like he used to. And time is passing, I don’t look at him like I used to. And I’ve never done anything bad to him, never disrespected him, never cheated. I’m the most loving person I know. I regret forgiving him for all these things, every time I try to bring it up to try and leave him he’ll say I forgave him and shouldn’t do that because he has changed. Today he said I should stop going to the gym because my body didn’t change after years of working out, when I know it did, he also said my voice is annoying. He treats me so good then so bad it confuses me, but I’ll be here until I hate him and I feel like it’s almost there