Not sure what to do anymore.
Okay, I dont usually do shit like this (venting on websites, to the void) but I really am in need of some kind of advice for my situation. I am not the kind of person to just blatantly ask for help and beg for it but I am genuinely too deep in to care anymore.
Problem is, I (16F) am living in an extremely toxic enviroment. Emotionally abusive and narcisistic mother who is an enabler for my both physically and emotionally abusive father. Funny enough, the situation right now is “calm” because of what happened a few months ago. This january, me and my older brother (23) had kicked out my father because both he and I were fed up with his bullshit. Before that point, I am not sure what triggered it but there was a very dark patch where my father was the worst he has ever been. I am not going to go into insane detail but he has problems with alcohol and I suspect he abuses drugs but I do not have clear proof. Basically, every single day was living hell for us, or well, me in particular, he never targetted my older brother. If I stuck too long in the living room for an example, I’d get verbally abused and in some cases even slapped/hit until I “left”. I could not be in the bathroom longer than 2 to 3 minutes without having him kick at the door and scream for me to get out. Basically, I could not move around in my own home without being belittled, yelled at, hurt, everything else bad you can think of. My room had become a “safe haven” of sorts.
Now, to say I was being the “perfect” daughter is pretty stupid. I was struggling quite a bit in school and just being a moody teenager but I never initiated the arguments we’d have. I would however respond pretty badly to them. I’d tell him the most horrible things I think about him just to see the bewilderment on his face even if it meant I got hurt for it. My mother in all of this was my “rock” as dumb as that sounds. I viewed her as some sort of deity in all of this because I didn’t know how much longer I could take it all and she’d help me by comforting me at night while I cried in her arms and begged her to do something before I did something bad. She’d promise me she’d talk to him about it but she never did, so one night, I sucked up the fear I had and let my anger guide me and I kicked him out the house with the help of my older brother. It was a really traumatic night and if it were not for my brother, I would’ve probably gotten my ass beat lol. We had to call the cops because he tried initiating a fight with both me and my brother. Also I should mention, my father is not my older brother’s actual father so that is why my brother isn’t as involved in this as he would’ve been.
A few months have passed and I’ve been in therapy for a while. Our situation with money is pretty dire and my mother cannot support us on her own, so unfortunately, my father had to come back to live with us and “provide” for us. That was a month or two ago. Now, my mother has been convincing me he has “changed” for the better and will never hurt me again but I dont believe any of that bullshit. I have trusted him over and over across all these years and the only thing I have gotten in return is pain. Since he has moved back in, I have been avoiding him like the devil. My mother keeps trying to get us to spend time together and when we do, they both act extremely “loving” but I think anyone with a set of eyes can tell its an act. Little bits and small comments have showed me that not a single thing has changed, he just masks himself better now. I should also mention, my mother was acting extremely supportive when he was away, but since he has come back, I suspect hes manipulating her into believing im acting this way or whatever just to ruin their marriage. Also not to forget, my mother also has problems with alcohol too. She drinks “casually” every single day but she masks that shes drunk very easily and has a huge tolerance which is why this isnt deemed as a “problem” but I think its quite a big one.
I had stopped therapy a bit before he came back, unsure why but I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore and a few days ago I talked to my mom (and unfortunately my father who was in the room) about starting it up again and the reaction I got was actually fucking insane. She blew up on me saying I was this ungrateful dissapointment of a child that did nothing in her life and that the reason for all my “problems” was my laziness and that she knew I was just being hard so I could punish her and my father. I told her that she should think about the things she just said to me and the reason why I stopped talking to her about my mental health. I left the house and stayed out for a while before my older brother came to pick me up and I talked to him about it. I told him Ive been dealing with seriously bad thoughts and a very negative mindset and that I haven’t talked to anyone about it. He promised me that he’d be more involved in my life and that if I ever needed anyone to talk to that hes there. He also mentioned I shouldn’t start therapy again because apparently i’ll get hooked on meds and yada yada. I admit I havent been talking to him about any of my problems because I didnt think he’d want to even hear the shit im trying to deal with but I am trying my best to open up to him more. I find it very hard to express my emotions so even considering talking to him and actually telling him a part of what im going through is a lot for me.
Since then, everythings been extremely weird. We all have been walking on eggshells around each other. I can’t view my mother the same after the things she said to me and I decided to stop talking to her about anything even remotely about my mental health. Thing is, I genuinely cant take this pretend game anymore. This is sounding edgy as fuck already but I am truly exhausted pretending we are some happy family. He apologized for treating me bad and whatever but it is not enough. Am I asking for too much? I just dont want anything to do with him and I have made that very clear. This is also not the first time he had gotten kicked out the house for his drinking and behavior. My upbringing was very tough, I wont go into detail but my parents used to force me to choose between them two while they were going back and forth on divorcing and were both just extremely depressed and abusive. Anyway, I genuinely dont know what to do here anymore. I dont want anything to do with them anymore. Its stupid because theyre my parents and whatever but the hate and resentment I feel for both of them is ruining any chance of acting “normal” with them. I feel like I have a mask on my face 99% of the time when I am home. I am only myself when I am alone.
Also this is random but I need insight on this aswell and should mention I have a friend (in his twenties) that Ive been talking to about all of this thats been helping me an insane amount throughout the time I was going to therapy and stuff. He is the only person that makes me feel safe enough to express myself and hes been helping me figure out my emotions and stuff like that. I should also mention he lives quite far away so he is not able to help me physically unfortunately. He gave me the motivation to do shit and work on myself and until recently I have been trying my best to get better and do better. But recently, him and I have been having a pretty rough patch where we have just been arguing back and forth and something he said stuck to me. I told him about what happened with my mom when I talked to her about therapy and how I talked to my brother and then mentioned my suicidal thoughts and for some reason he blew up on me saying how there was no way I was suicidal and that Im not and such. I quite literally had to remind him he is not in my head and that there is stuff I dont tell even HIM (we are extremely close, or well, were, and id come to him for any problem I had.) Basically we argued about it to where I had to downplay the shit in my head just so that he’d drop it. We talked about it again after a few days and I apologized for apparently “acting stupid”, (his words btw). He went on about how I am acting special and attenion seeking and that I shouldn’t use that label and that I am downplaying how serious it is. I am not sure if I am in the wrong here or not, I genuinely cannot tell. We havent been talking since, its been a week or so (we used to talk daily). I really dont want to lose him because of something so stupid but it seems like it will be like that. He is the genuinely the only person ive been looking forward to talking through all of this and I was only being open about it all with him. Now I dont know what to do anymore. I’m confused and exhausted. I just want everyone to leave me alone and disappear and just start over. I have been finding it hard to talk to anyone about this and just being this vulnerable to strangers on the internet is making me quite disgusted at myself but I guess thats how bad I am feeling about this all.
Ive been trying my best to heal from this shit with my parents but something I read somewhere stuck in my mind (ive been reading quite a bit of psychology-based books in an effort to understand myself better.) “You cannot heal in the same enviroment that made you sick.” Is that true? How do I even proceed knowing that? Do I just not heal? What do I do? I feel like this is ruining only me and nobody else. Everyones acting all happy and lovey dovey while im struggling with even seeing the point in living anymore. Am I being too negative? Am I just overreacting to everything? What the fuck do I even do anymore?
I doubt anyone will read all of this edgy angry teen venting but if you have, thank you. I just needed to get this off my chest and into the void.
Problem is, I (16F) am living in an extremely toxic enviroment. Emotionally abusive and narcisistic mother who is an enabler for my both physically and emotionally abusive father. Funny enough, the situation right now is “calm” because of what happened a few months ago. This january, me and my older brother (23) had kicked out my father because both he and I were fed up with his bullshit. Before that point, I am not sure what triggered it but there was a very dark patch where my father was the worst he has ever been. I am not going to go into insane detail but he has problems with alcohol and I suspect he abuses drugs but I do not have clear proof. Basically, every single day was living hell for us, or well, me in particular, he never targetted my older brother. If I stuck too long in the living room for an example, I’d get verbally abused and in some cases even slapped/hit until I “left”. I could not be in the bathroom longer than 2 to 3 minutes without having him kick at the door and scream for me to get out. Basically, I could not move around in my own home without being belittled, yelled at, hurt, everything else bad you can think of. My room had become a “safe haven” of sorts.
Now, to say I was being the “perfect” daughter is pretty stupid. I was struggling quite a bit in school and just being a moody teenager but I never initiated the arguments we’d have. I would however respond pretty badly to them. I’d tell him the most horrible things I think about him just to see the bewilderment on his face even if it meant I got hurt for it. My mother in all of this was my “rock” as dumb as that sounds. I viewed her as some sort of deity in all of this because I didn’t know how much longer I could take it all and she’d help me by comforting me at night while I cried in her arms and begged her to do something before I did something bad. She’d promise me she’d talk to him about it but she never did, so one night, I sucked up the fear I had and let my anger guide me and I kicked him out the house with the help of my older brother. It was a really traumatic night and if it were not for my brother, I would’ve probably gotten my ass beat lol. We had to call the cops because he tried initiating a fight with both me and my brother. Also I should mention, my father is not my older brother’s actual father so that is why my brother isn’t as involved in this as he would’ve been.
A few months have passed and I’ve been in therapy for a while. Our situation with money is pretty dire and my mother cannot support us on her own, so unfortunately, my father had to come back to live with us and “provide” for us. That was a month or two ago. Now, my mother has been convincing me he has “changed” for the better and will never hurt me again but I dont believe any of that bullshit. I have trusted him over and over across all these years and the only thing I have gotten in return is pain. Since he has moved back in, I have been avoiding him like the devil. My mother keeps trying to get us to spend time together and when we do, they both act extremely “loving” but I think anyone with a set of eyes can tell its an act. Little bits and small comments have showed me that not a single thing has changed, he just masks himself better now. I should also mention, my mother was acting extremely supportive when he was away, but since he has come back, I suspect hes manipulating her into believing im acting this way or whatever just to ruin their marriage. Also not to forget, my mother also has problems with alcohol too. She drinks “casually” every single day but she masks that shes drunk very easily and has a huge tolerance which is why this isnt deemed as a “problem” but I think its quite a big one.
I had stopped therapy a bit before he came back, unsure why but I just didn’t feel like doing it anymore and a few days ago I talked to my mom (and unfortunately my father who was in the room) about starting it up again and the reaction I got was actually fucking insane. She blew up on me saying I was this ungrateful dissapointment of a child that did nothing in her life and that the reason for all my “problems” was my laziness and that she knew I was just being hard so I could punish her and my father. I told her that she should think about the things she just said to me and the reason why I stopped talking to her about my mental health. I left the house and stayed out for a while before my older brother came to pick me up and I talked to him about it. I told him Ive been dealing with seriously bad thoughts and a very negative mindset and that I haven’t talked to anyone about it. He promised me that he’d be more involved in my life and that if I ever needed anyone to talk to that hes there. He also mentioned I shouldn’t start therapy again because apparently i’ll get hooked on meds and yada yada. I admit I havent been talking to him about any of my problems because I didnt think he’d want to even hear the shit im trying to deal with but I am trying my best to open up to him more. I find it very hard to express my emotions so even considering talking to him and actually telling him a part of what im going through is a lot for me.
Since then, everythings been extremely weird. We all have been walking on eggshells around each other. I can’t view my mother the same after the things she said to me and I decided to stop talking to her about anything even remotely about my mental health. Thing is, I genuinely cant take this pretend game anymore. This is sounding edgy as fuck already but I am truly exhausted pretending we are some happy family. He apologized for treating me bad and whatever but it is not enough. Am I asking for too much? I just dont want anything to do with him and I have made that very clear. This is also not the first time he had gotten kicked out the house for his drinking and behavior. My upbringing was very tough, I wont go into detail but my parents used to force me to choose between them two while they were going back and forth on divorcing and were both just extremely depressed and abusive. Anyway, I genuinely dont know what to do here anymore. I dont want anything to do with them anymore. Its stupid because theyre my parents and whatever but the hate and resentment I feel for both of them is ruining any chance of acting “normal” with them. I feel like I have a mask on my face 99% of the time when I am home. I am only myself when I am alone.
Also this is random but I need insight on this aswell and should mention I have a friend (in his twenties) that Ive been talking to about all of this thats been helping me an insane amount throughout the time I was going to therapy and stuff. He is the only person that makes me feel safe enough to express myself and hes been helping me figure out my emotions and stuff like that. I should also mention he lives quite far away so he is not able to help me physically unfortunately. He gave me the motivation to do shit and work on myself and until recently I have been trying my best to get better and do better. But recently, him and I have been having a pretty rough patch where we have just been arguing back and forth and something he said stuck to me. I told him about what happened with my mom when I talked to her about therapy and how I talked to my brother and then mentioned my suicidal thoughts and for some reason he blew up on me saying how there was no way I was suicidal and that Im not and such. I quite literally had to remind him he is not in my head and that there is stuff I dont tell even HIM (we are extremely close, or well, were, and id come to him for any problem I had.) Basically we argued about it to where I had to downplay the shit in my head just so that he’d drop it. We talked about it again after a few days and I apologized for apparently “acting stupid”, (his words btw). He went on about how I am acting special and attenion seeking and that I shouldn’t use that label and that I am downplaying how serious it is. I am not sure if I am in the wrong here or not, I genuinely cannot tell. We havent been talking since, its been a week or so (we used to talk daily). I really dont want to lose him because of something so stupid but it seems like it will be like that. He is the genuinely the only person ive been looking forward to talking through all of this and I was only being open about it all with him. Now I dont know what to do anymore. I’m confused and exhausted. I just want everyone to leave me alone and disappear and just start over. I have been finding it hard to talk to anyone about this and just being this vulnerable to strangers on the internet is making me quite disgusted at myself but I guess thats how bad I am feeling about this all.
Ive been trying my best to heal from this shit with my parents but something I read somewhere stuck in my mind (ive been reading quite a bit of psychology-based books in an effort to understand myself better.) “You cannot heal in the same enviroment that made you sick.” Is that true? How do I even proceed knowing that? Do I just not heal? What do I do? I feel like this is ruining only me and nobody else. Everyones acting all happy and lovey dovey while im struggling with even seeing the point in living anymore. Am I being too negative? Am I just overreacting to everything? What the fuck do I even do anymore?
I doubt anyone will read all of this edgy angry teen venting but if you have, thank you. I just needed to get this off my chest and into the void.
