I am a suicidal sadist.

Hi im 13 years old, i kinda figured out I was a sadistic person around 11 after finding out the definition, I always felt undeserving to live, im not sure if im a psycho or not, ive always wanted to kill someone (not anyone in particular) As days go by my mind just wants me to hurt whoever i can, I want to make alot of people to get close to me just to kill myself and make them feel upset even id I know in the afterlife i wont be able to see their reactions, which is really the only reason I keep going at this point, I never bother looking after myself knowing I could just end it all in seconds some people i've talked to told me to work on my general health but like I said if I feel unhappy with my situation I can just end it all, I dont know what else to say, I dont even know why I joined this website I guess i just want people to feel bad for me I dont know anymore