im genuinely going insane

my whole life ive been seeking the idea of being sick, i need to be sick. a few months ago i developed trauma due to me risking to suffocate, which led to some sort of an ed based on phagophobia (the fear of swallowing). there i finally felt like i found myself, i was satisfied; but this wouldnt last long, my body eventually got tired of me trying to restrict and finally started eating on its own. this made me feel so invalidated to the point where i stared to starve myself trying to develop an ed in another way. the thing is my body got tired of me once again and is now forcing me to binge whether i like it or not, i have no thoughts whatsoever throughout the process so i can just cry and crashout afterwards since i physically cannot purge without pills. sometimes i exercise to make up for it but lately i havent been able to, it feels nauseating cause i genuinely dont have enough energies and motivation. i would starve for days if i could but my parents force me to eat obviously and unfortunately the second i feel food in my stomach i physically cant stop eating. i constantly feel invalidated by every move that i make and cant bear with the thought of getting better