Just venting ig (English isn’t my first language hah)

Ive been feeling like I’m kinds dead?? I don’t understand myself anymore. One time I’m happy, one time I’m sad, one time everyone annoys me and I want to be alone when at the same time I just need someone to talk to, cry out or a simple hug. Sometimes I hate my mom and sometimes I love her. I can’t vent to her because most of things I would be venting about would be things about her. I know that most of the reasons are stupid and not that deep but I feel like I’m losing control. When I’m arguing with her she ALWAYS has to swear at me. When I ask her to stop swearing, she’s mad. When I ask her for new clothes that aren’t some plain blue jeans and a white top, she’s mad. When she refuses something and I understand why, I show her other thing which is similar but better. still mad!!!;3. I just want to kms sometimes but I don’t have balls to do that. I feel like I might start sh some day. I dont know when and where but I’m sure that I eventually will. I have friends and family members that I could vent to and who I trust but I’m scared. Scared of them judging me and laughing at me. Some time ago my bestfriend talked to me abot what bothers her and how she might need a psychologist. I want to grow balls to talk to her about my problems but I’m scared. I’m friend with her for almost 13 years and even tho she annoys me sometimes I love her. I’m collecting kpop albums which my mom knows about (I have whole room in Asians) but yet she keeps destroying some stuff. I know is not that deep but if she knows that i want to keep it nice she NEEDS to comment or just ruin it. She’s commenting on everything I’m doing. Cleaning dishes? You could do that better. Washing my hands? You can do it less messy. Cleaning my room? EVERY of her friends’ children dont have perfectly cleaned room all the time but yet she expects me to have it. If I won’t clean it how fast she wants or just how she wants, she takes my phone away. If not music, I would already have a panic attack (or maybe few of them) or I would just start sh-ing. I really hope that my parents will divorce one day and I will be able to stay with my dad. He’s the one I feel comfortable around. I really want to ask them for a psychologist but she will say some stuff like „oh of course you want it because of me. All of you always treat me like a monster” like bitch. If you don’t want me to treat you like a monster maybe stop acting like one??? I really really want my parents to Divorce one day so I can stay with my dad and get away from her bullshit. One day she acts so sweet and lovely but the next one she makes me want to kms or just sh. Anyone knows how can I ask her for a psychologist??? I would be grateful for any kind of help with that!!!:33 (do I also need to add that I absolutely hate my legs?? I would really appreciate an advice how to have slim legs without extreme workouts or ozempic. Just some methods how to be underweight would be really helpful. And don’t say things like „oh you don’t want to be underweight!” I know that it’s not healthy but when I looked at myself in the mirror this afternoon in new shorts, I felt like I’m gonna cry)