Saying no to someone when you want to say yes, because you know they will disappoint you eventually...

Breaking your own heart because believing isn't safe.

Letting people go so they can do better than you.

I've been alone, I've been lonely, this is isolation, and I don't know what is real anymore.

What is it when you like yourself, you work towards joy, then in the end you are afraid of trusting anything? I can't connect these dots. I feel incompetent. Like I must of damaged my brain with hopes and cares.

If I "deserved" anything I would of gotten it by now. It's too late.

I look in the mirror and see an older woman full of sadness, not me. I am always uncomfortable and in pain. I can't do anything meaningful anymore because I wasted my every resource trying to do something meaningful. The only people who will love me are the ones who want to control me. Is that even love?

Is any of this even worth it?

Why long for anything when it will always stand out of reach?

I don't understand anything anymore.

I am sitting on the porch of my childhood home, the home I grew up in, my deceased mom's house, and I am completely lost.

Nothing is familiar. My memories and nostalgia are dangerous streets I can't go down.

I pushed away everything and everyone I knew and I remember why, but the space between why and missing them is like a blind spot in my heart.

Perhaps my chest is empty.

I know I am exhausted and why, but did I lose my will?

Why does everything hurt so much?

I can't reach out to the ones who hurt me anymore.