Lowkey not doing good
woo i found a place to vent, thats crazy (idk what the audience should be considering yk things concerning suicide etcetc so i put mildly adult:P)
ANYWAYS honestly ive been doing worse and worse. to start a little, im 95% sure ive got bpd but currently am unable to get diagnosed bc money and i am underage. yes yes ik, underage people dont get diagnosed because theres still hormones going on etc etc but the shit i do and think?? that aint hormones my man, i dont think so. regarding that, ive been having some really REALLY bad swings between manic and depressive episodes and man this shit gets tiring. feels like im getting closer and closer to my limit and at some point my mind will either explode or deform to the point where im insane and not even myself anymore.
ON THAT TOPIC idek who i am. ever since i was a little child all ive done is copy people's behavior to try and fit in, make myself likeable, and now ive forgotten who i was originally. the worst part is that possibly the original me wouldve been better, handled things better AND be more likable and that hurts so much. that i try and try and nothing ever goes how i want it to. and there is absolutely nothing i can do. i dont know anything about myself. for all i know, everything about me could be made up and its driving me insane.
Lately been having a ton of suicidal thoughts and i have planned how to kill myself twice in the past month and yeah, not been very well, at that my best friend of 10 years has been acting like she hates me and idk what to do about that. funnily enough, sometimes the suicidal thoughts and self harm etc etc dont even come from sadness, its literally more often been either anger(often for literally no serious reason), boredom, or the principle "if theres no scars, you havent suffered" and honestly i would've comitted suicide years ago if it wasn't for me feeling bad about what that would put my family through, which maybe stops my suicidal plans a bit but theyre then just replaced with fucking disappointment and hate for myself. still, honestly feel like im coming closer and closer to an edge and soon i might just jump in. i feel like im going fucking crazy.
might just put a knife through my chest at this point tbh
ANYWAYS honestly ive been doing worse and worse. to start a little, im 95% sure ive got bpd but currently am unable to get diagnosed bc money and i am underage. yes yes ik, underage people dont get diagnosed because theres still hormones going on etc etc but the shit i do and think?? that aint hormones my man, i dont think so. regarding that, ive been having some really REALLY bad swings between manic and depressive episodes and man this shit gets tiring. feels like im getting closer and closer to my limit and at some point my mind will either explode or deform to the point where im insane and not even myself anymore.
ON THAT TOPIC idek who i am. ever since i was a little child all ive done is copy people's behavior to try and fit in, make myself likeable, and now ive forgotten who i was originally. the worst part is that possibly the original me wouldve been better, handled things better AND be more likable and that hurts so much. that i try and try and nothing ever goes how i want it to. and there is absolutely nothing i can do. i dont know anything about myself. for all i know, everything about me could be made up and its driving me insane.
Lately been having a ton of suicidal thoughts and i have planned how to kill myself twice in the past month and yeah, not been very well, at that my best friend of 10 years has been acting like she hates me and idk what to do about that. funnily enough, sometimes the suicidal thoughts and self harm etc etc dont even come from sadness, its literally more often been either anger(often for literally no serious reason), boredom, or the principle "if theres no scars, you havent suffered" and honestly i would've comitted suicide years ago if it wasn't for me feeling bad about what that would put my family through, which maybe stops my suicidal plans a bit but theyre then just replaced with fucking disappointment and hate for myself. still, honestly feel like im coming closer and closer to an edge and soon i might just jump in. i feel like im going fucking crazy.
might just put a knife through my chest at this point tbh
13-15, T
