After these talks, I look at my face in the mirror and see someone much older and sadder than me, but it's me.

I showered and watched the hair that is coming out stick to my hands and flow with the water down the drain.

I have reached the end of my rope with my son's father. This rope is noose. There is no happy medium here, nowhere near meeting in the middle, I know he wants to die. He is hurting our son emotionally. He is hurting his self worth. He is a neglectful parent.

Any choice I make will devastate our son. I can't decide if the stress of him is more difficult than trying to do everything completely alone again. Both are awful.

It's all so unfair to our son. I have been trying to make up for it for many years. The lack of family and stability. I have tried everything.

I am becoming the sad old woman in the mirror and I just want to be a good mom. I cannot be enough and I wish for once that someone would come into our life and not turn into dead, dragging weight.