I don't think I'll ever understand my dad
And I don't think he wants to be understood, not even by me.
I tried to connect with him today and yesterday but I failed.....
Then he went from 0 to 100 because I accidentally burned some rice. And rice isn't even difficult to cook but I tried cooking it the way he does, he's only ever shown me how to do it once. As soon as I noticed it was burning, I started to panic because I know how he gets when things like this happen.
He doesn't have good people skills, he just stared me down with an angry look the whole time while explaining to me how I'm supposed to do it but his face seems to be stuck like that no matter what.
Nobody can have a simple conversation with him because every conversation turns into an argument. If we're talking about the weather, a tv show, or anything, he'll find a way to turn it into an argument and he always has to be right.
He criticizes me for having such low self esteem but I'm beginning to see that he also has low self esteem. He spends most of his time alone and angry. It doesn't matter how much me or any of my siblings try to get him to chill out, he'll get violent if he even suspects that we don't agree with him on something.
He's beginning to realize that he's the problem but he's too stubborn to admit it.
He told me the other day about his ASMS (Angry Short Man Syndrome), he didn't call it that but he essentially has this. He was telling me that whenever he's in the supermarket, he purposely bumps into people who "act like they don't see" him. He really didn't have to tell me that because I already know how he is in public. One time, when we were eating at a pizza place, some guy was watching a TV just a few feet above my dads head and my dad thought the guy was staring him down so he flipped him off and started making a bunch of mean looks. The funny thing is that the other guy never noticed my dad the whole time, he just continued eating his slice of pizza and enjoying whatever was on tv.
Dad used to apologize when he said he couldn't make it to my football games. I'd pretend like I was sad but I would actually jump for joy inside whenever this would happen because I was embarrassed to be seen with him due to how often he'd make a scene in public.
I just wish he couldn't hold a house over me like he does. His very first house was just above $120,000. It's his way of living or the streets and he's always been so smug about that as if somehow that makes his behavior okay. I wonder what would happen if he suddenly didn’t have his supply of punching bags, would he just watch ESPN and eat donuts all day everyday on the couch alone and never reach out to us?
I don't respect my father more than I have to. He may be superior with his finances but his relationship skill is 0. Not even his current girlfriend (the mother of my younger half-brother) lives with him because she just couldn't stand him either. He does this thing where he acts all decent at first but after a few months of dating a lady, the lady soon doesn't want anything to do with him. The only reason this lady still talks to him is because they had a kid together. I truly feel bad for the little tyke, he still has another 8 years to live under his roof but he kinda lucked out because my father used to be much more angry and violent when he was younger. My little half-brother also doesn't have to be at my dads 100% of the time. Ideally, both of my brother's parents would be living together but that's just not reality due to dad being dad.
But this is the year that I'll finally escape. My new job is gonna pay me real good and I'm just gonna save and save. I won't even be home much because of all the overtime hours available.
It ain't my job to fix dad and I'm done waiting for him to change. He can be an angry, miserable, lonely twit for the rest of his life but I refuse to be part of his life if he's gonna continue being like this.
I tried to connect with him today and yesterday but I failed.....
Then he went from 0 to 100 because I accidentally burned some rice. And rice isn't even difficult to cook but I tried cooking it the way he does, he's only ever shown me how to do it once. As soon as I noticed it was burning, I started to panic because I know how he gets when things like this happen.
He doesn't have good people skills, he just stared me down with an angry look the whole time while explaining to me how I'm supposed to do it but his face seems to be stuck like that no matter what.
Nobody can have a simple conversation with him because every conversation turns into an argument. If we're talking about the weather, a tv show, or anything, he'll find a way to turn it into an argument and he always has to be right.
He criticizes me for having such low self esteem but I'm beginning to see that he also has low self esteem. He spends most of his time alone and angry. It doesn't matter how much me or any of my siblings try to get him to chill out, he'll get violent if he even suspects that we don't agree with him on something.
He's beginning to realize that he's the problem but he's too stubborn to admit it.
He told me the other day about his ASMS (Angry Short Man Syndrome), he didn't call it that but he essentially has this. He was telling me that whenever he's in the supermarket, he purposely bumps into people who "act like they don't see" him. He really didn't have to tell me that because I already know how he is in public. One time, when we were eating at a pizza place, some guy was watching a TV just a few feet above my dads head and my dad thought the guy was staring him down so he flipped him off and started making a bunch of mean looks. The funny thing is that the other guy never noticed my dad the whole time, he just continued eating his slice of pizza and enjoying whatever was on tv.
Dad used to apologize when he said he couldn't make it to my football games. I'd pretend like I was sad but I would actually jump for joy inside whenever this would happen because I was embarrassed to be seen with him due to how often he'd make a scene in public.
I just wish he couldn't hold a house over me like he does. His very first house was just above $120,000. It's his way of living or the streets and he's always been so smug about that as if somehow that makes his behavior okay. I wonder what would happen if he suddenly didn’t have his supply of punching bags, would he just watch ESPN and eat donuts all day everyday on the couch alone and never reach out to us?
I don't respect my father more than I have to. He may be superior with his finances but his relationship skill is 0. Not even his current girlfriend (the mother of my younger half-brother) lives with him because she just couldn't stand him either. He does this thing where he acts all decent at first but after a few months of dating a lady, the lady soon doesn't want anything to do with him. The only reason this lady still talks to him is because they had a kid together. I truly feel bad for the little tyke, he still has another 8 years to live under his roof but he kinda lucked out because my father used to be much more angry and violent when he was younger. My little half-brother also doesn't have to be at my dads 100% of the time. Ideally, both of my brother's parents would be living together but that's just not reality due to dad being dad.
But this is the year that I'll finally escape. My new job is gonna pay me real good and I'm just gonna save and save. I won't even be home much because of all the overtime hours available.
It ain't my job to fix dad and I'm done waiting for him to change. He can be an angry, miserable, lonely twit for the rest of his life but I refuse to be part of his life if he's gonna continue being like this.
26-30, M
